Monday, November 8, 2010

The Full Diagnosis

Adult Male Clinical Depression

O My Soul:

It's what I knew all along.  But somehow when a professional gives a diagnosis after hours of testing over several weeks it is not the news I wanted to hear.  There is more to the diagnosis but they are just details to be addressed over time.

I am use to trying to tell other people I have a problem and getting nowhere.  I can still moderately function.  I can give a positive impression when I want to or on a good day.  But I think it is similar to an alcoholic who can still go to work and pay the bills.  It doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem, it just means that he can still go to work and pay the bills.

Now the tables are turning for me.  My psychologist raised the issue of suicide to a higher awareness.  She asked me to be aware of dark thoughts and death thoughts and their frequency.  We talked about that a bit.  Dark thoughts are common.  Death thoughts are not.  If anything I am afraid of being pulled into rationalizing away self-harm/death thoughts like happened to me several years ago.  I didn't hurt myself but scared myself that I could.

I am still trying to line up a psychiatrist.  I had a short but wonderful conversation with an intake nurse referred to me.  She asked me a few questions but was so positive.  I couldn't get to see a doctor until after the new year but gave me several names of good psychiatrists in the area.

"You are going to feel so much better!"  She was so positive and encouraging.  She gave me hope.

I have heard there is such a thing as a cure to depression.  It takes effort.  It takes time.  But it is possible.

I want to know and experience that kind of hope.

Strange emotions have hit me since the diagnosis last Friday.  I have a greater hope for healing than I have ever had before and yet that great hope is coupled with a great fear.  Fear of the unkown.  Fear that I will never feel better.  Fear that as I get older this will get worse and worse.  Yet like I said before I have never been so hopeful either.  

I am being cared for by very competent people.  I don't have to convince them what I'm going through.  They listen and are supportive.  They break problems into smaller chunks and provide realistic options for me.  

I don't feel so alone.  And that's a good thing.

God be with you,


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