Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A Few Years of Red Hot Calm

O My Soul:

I've mentioned a few of my lessons learned from childhood depression and now I'm moving on to early adulthood. (continuing to remain an anonymous blogger)

After college, I was doing really well. I was given a great job with a wonderful company. I held out the prospect of going to the seminary even though I delayed with full time work and part-time study on another graduate degree. I married an incredibly bright and beautiful lady who is a daily blessing to me.

I remember a few times when I was stricken by strange fears. One was on the day I went to see True Lies in the theater with a friend. Great movie...bad day. I was in bed most of that day, overwhelmed with a strange but profound despair that led to exhaustion. I remember thinking that there is no reason for this but good Lord I can't move!! I did go to the movie. Enjoyed it but was in bed most of the next day. Too much emotion, energy, everything.

I had other days or so like that but nothing that lasted longer than a day or two.

I also had an internal edge (anxiety) most of the time. I didn't talk about it much. It came out at times (mostly yelling at my poor wife). As uncomfortable as that was for me it seemed fairly normal. I never did know how to control my emotions and frankly was convinced it would be too hard to try. So I would either wear them on my shirt sleeve or be poker-faced. I didn't think of myself as an emotional person. Boy, was I wrong.

It is only in hindsight that I now realize I am more emotional that rational. Not that I can't think or do think (except in a depressive attack). It's just that I now realize that I experience emotions of all kinds at very strong levels.

That strong emotion could be described as a red hot calm.

I was told by a psychologist that I don't present myself as depressed. When people read me they don't see the intensity of emotion that I am experiencing. I said, maybe you should ask my wife and kids about that one.

But 10-15 years ago, I was not even much aware of the intensity of emotion I was experiencing. I was calm but it was a red-hot calm. Overall, I could control it.

However, a series of events were about to come that would bring me to my knees not just for a few hours or days but rather years. A time was about to come when anxiety and depression would not be something I experienced as a bad day but as something to which I would become enslaved.

But those posts are for another day.

Until then-

Hope in Christ &
God bless you.


No comments:

Post a Comment