Emotional Quotient and Compassion Fatigue

O My Soul:

I continue to work on my Emotional Intelligence (also called Emotional Quotient). Lately, I've been working on increasing my awareness concerning how I make others feel but also how others are making me feel. This emotional dialog does play a factor in communication for better or for worse.

For example, I have been increasing awareness of my physical gestures as I listen and talk with others. However, I'm also trying to be aware of how others are making me feel and how those feelings (more than my thoughts and good intentions) affect others.

Lately, I feel tired. I am wondering why I feel so tired. I have been sleeping well, eating well, and taking my medications. My wife and I are getting along very well. We are settled into our new home. I like the congregation a lot.

Maybe I like the new congregation too much. I'm thinking I on the beginning descent into Compassion Fatigue. I think I might be trying to play God instead of pastor. Just look at my past week:

Physical illness: One person's detached retina turned into heart attack then kidney failure but she's doing better. Another person had a kidney removed due to a mass growing on it. A school girl had surgery on her ankle to remove an extra bone? the other ankle will be operated on in a few months.

Mental Illness: Discussion about depression and alcoholism in one family and making a plan to assist them. A shut-ins sorrow three months after the death of her husband. One person I have no idea what to think.

Spiritual Illness: Elderly man talked about how he was sodomized against his will as a teenager but with his consent for a time in middle age; very repentant. A couple resigned to divorce, but not repentant.

Congregational Governance: The congregational by-laws do not reflect how the congregation makes congregational decisions, which greatly upsets a few people. recommendation to be presented by a task for to Voters' Assembly.

And that is just the last week.

These situation keep turning over in my mind. Morning Matins is great. I debrief with God in prayer at night which is great. I am able to sleep but I feel myself getting tired.

The beginning of compassion fatigue is trying to please all people. Trying to be God instead of pastor. I can visit, speak from the psalms and scripture, pray, bless, and in all point to Christ but I can't solve the problems or give a quick fix to the people. Sometimes I need to speak things I would rather avoid (law) and good things (gospel) to people I don't really like. It all ups the stress.

So far so good. I am more aware of this because of the Emotional Quotient skills I'm developing, but there is room for improvement.

Hope in Christ &
God bless you.

-oms

Emotional Quotient and the Anxious Pastor

O My Soul:

Drama in the church can escalate over (in my opinion) relatively minor issues. But that does not make them minor issues. The sorrow and anger are all quite real.

This past week we have been working through such an issue. We had a Bible Study so the people could hear how I was thinking about it from the Holy Bible and the Lutheran Confessions - but my main goal was to project positive emotions and that I care about them more than myself or some other sub-group of the congregation. A few people were upset but the anger (surprisingly) was not directed at me. I set up some home visits with a few of these families and I kept my focus on projecting warm, positive, and caring emotions. I wanted them to know in words and actions that I cared about them even a little more than the issue while at the same time clarifying the teaching concerned. I also asked how we can proceed together concerning others in the congregation.

We have a really nice action plan on the table. The upset people have a valid concern. The concern only emerged after several hours of conversation.

Opposing views still exist but the anger has dissipated. They are not angry with each other or with me. The are close to a resolution on this issue without denying the doctrine to which they hold as a congregation.

And through all the drama, I've been sleeping well each night. I am able to talk to my wife as her husband rather than the pastor overwhelmed in congregational conflict. I have had time to interact with my kids as their dad. And I've been able to strengthen my relationships with several people in the congregation. The whole thing has been positive.

I have General Anxiety Disorder but my anxiety has been low through all this.

I have been working on improving my Emotional Quotient over the last year. There are four skills that are addressed in EQ. They are:

1. Self Awareness

2. Self Management

3. Social Awareness

4. Relationship Management

My success is a fruit Relationship Management. It begins with an awareness of how I'm feeling at any given time and how to take care of myself in the midst of my personal thoughts and emotions. It then moves to an increased awareness of how others are reacting to me and others around me. Finally, come the skills to build strong relationships - even in the midst of drama.

If you want, take this Emotional Quotient survey? And if you want to improve your EQ (which you can) you might want to check out these EQ resources by Daniel Goldman.

The take-away lesson for me is that Congregational Conflict can be positively addressed even with an Anxious Pastor.

Hope in Christ &
God bless you

-oms

Emotional Quotient and Depression

O My Soul:

My increased Emotional Intelligence Quotient came in handy this evening. The church council met in preparation for a Voter's Assembly. What surprised me was not the topic of dispute; not even the validity of an argument that is being proposed against one that I placed on the table with the consent of the Board of Elders. What surprised me was the pure anger of the one making the argument. Also, it appeared to me as personal antagonism against yours truly. Wow.

This issue has nothing to do with anyones intelligence. A high IQ won't help resolve the conflict. This is all about emotions. My emotions almost got the best of me. Tonight was the first time in a long time I felt pure, unadulterated anger. Call it violent rage. And then I felt all the signs of depression at the same time. Emotional overload.

The difference is that tonight I was very aware not only of my emotions but also how I was projecting myself to others. That is a skill I have been learning. It's called Emotional Intelligence. It really works. I did express a brief sigh of frustration at the end. But, I'm telling you, it had none of the emotional force I was feeling. Things remained calm...except for the one person in the room.

And a second person was upset. An elder stayed after the meeting. He hadn't spoken during the meeting but I did notice his face was red for most of it. He expressed his great frustration about the other gentleman. He was kind but not happy. I listened and we both calmed down.

Things will work out at church.

Unfortunately, I let my guard down as I came home. I wasn't that calm. I thought my wife wanted to talk, but I think she only wanted to balance the checkbook and go to bed. I started directing my anger toward her. That brief outburst conveyed the full force of my violent rage...toward her.

She balanced the checkbook and went to bed. I'm writing this post.

I hope things work out between us tomorrow.


God bless her, the council, and you

-oms