A Beagle's New Home...

...is no longer our home.

Don't get me wrong, Blossom is a great dog!  She is good with our three children.  She never bites, she tells us when she needs to go outside, she sleeps in her kennel, she prefers her kennel at night, she doesn't eat that much, she doesn't shed much, and she is playful in a friendly way.  All good stuff.  Yes, Blossom is a good dog.



Blossom is also a responsibility that my wife and I decided is too stressful. She barks at the neighbors, a lot.  She runs away when the youngest child leaves the door open, again and again and again.   She pulls on walks.  She needs walks at least twice a day or her energy level gets to high.  She sleeps on furniture during the day.  She wakes up several times per night.  She raids garbage cans in the kitchen and bathroom.  She makes a lot of pooh and has the gaul (in front of my wife nonetheless) to eat her own pooh.

The children love Blossom, I like Blossom, Mrs. OMS would be indifferent if only someone would walk Blossom and clean up the pooh on a regular basis, but I have too many other things on my mind.  I said I would be willing to do it but I won't during the winter.  That sealed the pups fate.  Like it or not, as soon as a loving family could be found, Blossom was going to move out.

Blossom moved out this morning.

Mrs. OMS shed tears for her family (but is personally overjoyed that we did it).

My five year old son is barely aware what is happening.  However, he is expressing some anger at me and said he likes mom better.

My seven year old daughter said she loves mom and me equally.  However, she doesn't like either one of us very much right now.

My ten year old sobbed.  He has dealt with a number of losses in the last few years.  He said good-bye to two dear friends last year when we moved.  And now he has to say good-bye to Blossom.

Mrs. OMS and I have had many good talks about this.  We anticipated the emotions but have been talking to the kids the last two weeks about what would be happening today.  I am surprised how well the whole family is handling this.  We are actually talking and grieving together.  We are thinking and feeling together and this is wonderfully positive.  I think we will get through this without building resentment.

How am I doing?  Well, I feel sad.  Two years of dog care and the little beast did grow on me.  I enjoyed her sleeping at my feet while reading a book.  I enjoyed playing with her from time to time.  I enjoyed all those tender moments she provided to our family but not enough to keep shoveling all that pooh and walking the two a day walks with her in the city.

I am content.  I won't miss the unneeded stress and anxiety.

Mrs. OMS is surprised how helpful I have been to her and the children through this whole thing.  She is especially thankful for the help I gave her today.  We're not through this one yet but we are well on our way.  I was thankful for the kind words and the peck on my cheek.

Our fourth child will be born in November.  I'll miss Blossom from time to time for years to come, but all of us are slowly anticipating the arrival of a baby boy.  Will that be stressful? Yes.  Am I a little anxious? Yes.  But, what a blessing!

-oms

The Trigger: Overseas Missions

O My Soul:

William Carey is often called the Father of Modern Christian Missions. He was an idealist, a pragmatist, a thinker, an adventurer, a translator, and compassionate of others with the Word of God.

I'm not a Baptist but I do identify with a character like William Carey.

I love the idea of Christian missions, my wife agreed. I like to travel especially off the beaten tourist path. Translation is important. The Christian Bible is translated into many (not all) but most languages in the world. Those people know the accounts of the Bible but not the "What does this mean?"

So, I have a lot in common with William Carey.

I did not go into foreign missions completely naive. Even in hindsight, I was well prepared. I was aware that the greatest stress for missionaries was other missionaries and not so much the culture in which they make their new home. That and many other things about living cross-culturally was the stuff I was already aware.

I went through a battery of psychological tests. The results recommended that I would do well. I was resilient. Blah, blah, blah.

The romance of recruitment is also nice. Church officials taking my family out for dinner. Strategy meetings to plan how I might be incorporated into the goals of the mission in a country or region. Recruitment and raising support in congregations is what I call the "Rock Star" experience. Missionaries have it as a perk whenever they are back in the U.S.

I never ever thought that mission work would be a trigger to move me from childhood depressive episodes to long term clinical depression along with contemplating suicide.

The trigger for my mental illness, my clinical depression and anxiety, was my overseas mission experience.

Future posts will focus on how the events of those years as an overseas missionary triggered a God awful depression from which I am still recovering.

until then

Hope in Christ &
God bless you.

-oms

A Few Years of Red Hot Calm

O My Soul:

I've mentioned a few of my lessons learned from childhood depression and now I'm moving on to early adulthood. (continuing to remain an anonymous blogger)

After college, I was doing really well. I was given a great job with a wonderful company. I held out the prospect of going to the seminary even though I delayed with full time work and part-time study on another graduate degree. I married an incredibly bright and beautiful lady who is a daily blessing to me.

I remember a few times when I was stricken by strange fears. One was on the day I went to see True Lies in the theater with a friend. Great movie...bad day. I was in bed most of that day, overwhelmed with a strange but profound despair that led to exhaustion. I remember thinking that there is no reason for this but good Lord I can't move!! I did go to the movie. Enjoyed it but was in bed most of the next day. Too much emotion, energy, everything.

I had other days or so like that but nothing that lasted longer than a day or two.

I also had an internal edge (anxiety) most of the time. I didn't talk about it much. It came out at times (mostly yelling at my poor wife). As uncomfortable as that was for me it seemed fairly normal. I never did know how to control my emotions and frankly was convinced it would be too hard to try. So I would either wear them on my shirt sleeve or be poker-faced. I didn't think of myself as an emotional person. Boy, was I wrong.

It is only in hindsight that I now realize I am more emotional that rational. Not that I can't think or do think (except in a depressive attack). It's just that I now realize that I experience emotions of all kinds at very strong levels.

That strong emotion could be described as a red hot calm.

I was told by a psychologist that I don't present myself as depressed. When people read me they don't see the intensity of emotion that I am experiencing. I said, maybe you should ask my wife and kids about that one.

But 10-15 years ago, I was not even much aware of the intensity of emotion I was experiencing. I was calm but it was a red-hot calm. Overall, I could control it.

However, a series of events were about to come that would bring me to my knees not just for a few hours or days but rather years. A time was about to come when anxiety and depression would not be something I experienced as a bad day but as something to which I would become enslaved.

But those posts are for another day.

Until then-

Hope in Christ &
God bless you.

-oms

Precious Child

O My Soul:

It happened in High School study hall.

She leaned over and whispered, "guess what?"

Without missing a beat, I answered, "your pregnant." And you know what? I was right! I know! I was so hoping to be wrong but I had had this awful feeling in my gut for a few weeks not to mention that she was my girlfriend so I knew this was all in the realm of possibility.

I drove her home from school and we talked a bit. Then I went home.

My Roman Catholic mom had just tied a ribbon around the front yard maple tree. It was in remembrance of all the abortions since the Roe v Wade supreme court decision. She was also helping the Right to Life in our county by manning their crisis hot-line on Friday nights. (my girlfriend called that night but she didn't know she was talking to my mom and my mom didn't know it was my girlfriend.)

The abortion was my brilliant idea. I was scared to my core. It was the same kind of fear I wrote about in My Childhood Introduction to PTSD Part 2 post, but this was much worse. My dad didn't do it. My mom didn't do. My little brother did cause this mess. This pain was all me. Not only did I want to deny my 6th commandment sin like King David did, but I was also fully aware that I committing the 5th commandment sin of murder in the eyes of God. David's account is recorded in 2 Samuel 11.

My parents, at their worst behavior, never even hinted at my physical harm.

I was scared. I had many reasons to do what I did but at the core of it I was scared like I was never scared before. When I was younger I was easily excitable. But was magnitudes beyond an excitable personality. I can now see I had a bad case of depression that lasted throughout most of college. I had a low view of myself. No zest for learning. I excused any poor grades. My sin morphed into mental illness (self-diagnosed some twenty years later). However, toward the end of college I was doing much, much better. I was becoming excited about life for the first time in a long time.

I was catechized into the Lutheran church with Martin Luther's Small Catechism and read the Augsburg Confession. Sweet, sweet Gospel.

I was fine for quite awhile until around my 10 year High School reunion. Many memories returned. The pain. The fear. I was recently married but this was not cold feet, this was the deep accusation of murder and that I didn't deserve a family. I had also learned, about that time, that women will experience something like Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome about 7 years after an abortion. I was experiencing something similar and yet different. I was the aggressor in the abortion. I did not pray for the child or for his mother either.

So, I met with my pastor and received counsel from him about the abortion. I received private confession. He led me through a service ... a funeral service. He was fully vested. I wore a suit. I cried for the first time.

I also went to my High School reunion and had a good talk with and reconciled with my old girlfriend. She was happily married and had two children.

Why did I write this post now? I have been thinking a lot about my childhood lately. Especially the soul shaping events (and yes mostly the bad ones - but I have many good ones as well). But my reason has more to do with the calendar.

The abortion took place on May 8, 1985. My child would be about 24 years old. This is the time of year when I grieve.

Shortly after the abortion, I wrote a poem. I never wrote it down and I have forgotten most of it except this line:


Precious child, do not cry, your life was not of dreams.


Twenty five years later I still remember you. The pain seems to increase over the years. The pain reminds me of my need for a Savior. For that I'm thankful.

Thanks be to God that He sent Christ to atone for my sins. He is a gracious and merciful Savior at that. Sometimes the darkness is great but He who is the Light of the world is greater. I am forgiven in the midst of this burden. Again, thanks be to God.

Most recently, I read this blog post from Pastor Matt Harrison entitled Comfort to Women Who Have Had a Miscarriage. I entrust it to you for your reading.


And to you gentle readers:

I urge you to hope in Christ &
God bless you always.

-oms

Anti-Anxiety Behavior

O My Soul:

As you know, last weekend I became afraid I was falling into a major bout of anxiety and then depression. Read about it here and here if you haven't.

I am becoming more aware that I'm not aware of my emotions. I live in my head. It is how I cope. I think through the problem at hand, but I can easily get stuck at the implementation of a solution. So I continue to think about the problem. I over analyze and under act. Wha-la: I get stuck in my head. My counselor told me this awhile ago and has repeated it but it is only now starting to sink in - to my head.

So here are a few things I'm learning about feelings and how to become more aware of my feelings:

1. Feelings, unlike thoughts, involve a total body reaction. Feelings can increase heart rate, respiration, perspiration, and even shaking or trembling.

2. Feelings give energy. If I can express my feelings, I'll feel more energetic. If I'm unable to give expression to my emotional state, I may feel lethargic, numb, tired, or depressed. Blocked or withheld feelings can lead to anxiety.

3. Feelings are often contagious. Hang around a sad person and I may become sad. Hang around a happy person and I may become happy.

What I have noticed is that I will express my emotions --- if I know what I'm feeling. The problem is that I'm a bit like a frog in a pot of water coming to a slow boil. The frog will stay in the water until he is boiled to death. I, too, go from calm to panic/anger without realizing all the emotions I experience up to that point.

What can I do? I'm going to start with body awareness. So:

1. Physically relax.

2. Ask myself, "What am I feeling right now?"

3. Be aware of my heart and gut which is often the seat of emotional sensations.

4. Wait and listen as an observer while not trying to judge what I'm feeling. Simply wait until something emerges.

5. If I draw a blank or am still stuck in my head, go back to step one and start over.

6. Once I obtain a sense of what I'm feeling, it may help to make it more concrete by answering the following questions:

a. Where in my body is this feeling?
b. What is the shape of this feeling?
c. What is the size of this feeling?
d. If this feeling had a color, what would it be?

More on all this later. But please remember, this is way outside my comfort zone. My coping mechanism are all in my head and my head has helped me to survive a lot of bad stuff. But it's only a survival technique that obviously hasn't been working very well for a long time. I need new skills and the above may help.


In the meantime:

Hope in Christ &
God bless you

-oms

May Day & The Battle Within

O My Soul:

This year, my May Day experience has more to do with a distress signal than a spring festival. I just don't feel right.

The American mythological icon, Spiderman, has the ability to sense danger before it happens. When he has that sense, he says that his spider senses are tingling.

Today, my equivalent of those spider senses are tingling. I feel like my anxiety is on the rise and will be followed by a bout of depression.

Why? I don't know. It's just a hunch. It could be a culmination of the following:

1. A Voters' Assembly last Monday. Things went well, but it was emotional.

2. Last day of Confirmation on Wednesday. Confirmation Day was Palm Sunday but my Wednesday schedule was spent planning a pizza party and Bible bowl.

3. Thursday I felt like I was catching a cold. Maybe I still am.

4. Gained weight at my Weight Watchers weigh-in. (totally ok with me but my body is not doing well even though I've been treating it well.)

5. Writing about my childhood. (Click here for that story.)

What will I do to help prevent or at least lessen the depth of what I think is happening?

1. I'm going to bed early. Like 8:30pm after prayer.

2. Arrive at church by 5:30am maybe 6 to slowly and quietly pray and then review the 9:00 service and 10:30 Bible study.

3. Keep the three schedule pastoral visits short and to the point.

4. Eat well.

5. Go to bed early again tomorrow night.

I'll let you know how things went. Until then,

Hope in Christ &
God bless you

-oms

Anxiety and My Coffee Disorder

O My Soul:

I drink coffee.

Black.

1,000mg daily if not more.

This makes me an official caffeine addict.


The worse thing about it is that it interferes with my anti-depression medication. My doctor told me if I could get off anti-depressants and the coffee at the same time - I would probably feel the same.

Hmmmm. Coffee = pleasure, but anxiety = pain. Hmmmmm.

How about you? Take the quiz here.



Hope in Christ &
God bless you

-oms

Panic and Anxiety Disorder

O My Soul:

Here are a few questions that helped me to identity my panic disorder:

1. Do you have spontaneous anxiety attacks that come out of the blue? Yes or No.

2. Have you had at least one such attack in the last month? Yes or No.

3. If you had an anxiety attack in the last month, did you worry about having another one? Or did you worry about the implications of your attack for your physical or mental health? Yes or No.

4. In your worst experience with anxiety, did you have more than three of the following symptoms?

a. Shortness of breath or smothering sensation

b. Dizziness or unsteady feeling

c. Heart palpitations or rapid heartbeat

d. Trembling or shaking

e. Sweating

f. Choking

g. Nausea or abdominal distress

h. Feelings of being detached or out of touch with your body

i. Numbness or tingling sensations

j. Flushes or chills

k. Chest pain or discomfort

l. Fear of dying

m. Fear of going crazy or doing something out of control

If you answered yes to questions 1, 2, 3, and 4, stop. You've met the conditions for panic disorder.

I lived with full blown panic disorder while living overseas but have been prone to it for many years. Currently, with less stress in my life, I have a lesser degree of anxiety called General Anxiety Disorder which is still chronic but somewhat managable and leftovers of what is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. But I'll save that for another post.

If you are still not sure what a Panic or Anxiety Disorder is, check out this educational video produced by several competent organizations including the National Institute of Mental Health and hosted by Willard Scott.

As a pastor, I have several congregation members who don't come to church or won't get involved in church activities because of various forms of anxiety. But I'll save that for another post as well.

In the meantime,
Hope in Christ &
God bless you.

-oms

Anxiety: Depression's Cousin

O My Soul:

I have not written much about anxiety. I often experience anxiety more easily than depression. Take away the anxiety and then I can focus on the depression.

But what is anxiety?

Here is a quote from The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne:

You can can better understand the nature of anxiety by looking both at what it is and what it is not. For example, anxiety can be distinguished from fear in several ways. When you are afraid, your fear is usually directed toward some concrete external object or situation. The event that you fear is usually within the bounds of possibility. You might fear not meeting a deadline, failing an exam, be unable to pay your bills, or being rejected by someone you want to please. When you experience anxiety, on the other hand, you often cannot often specify what it is you are anxious about. The focus of anxiety is more internal than external. It seems to be a response to a vague, distant, or even unrecognized danger. You might be anxious about "losing control" of yourself or some situation. Or you might feel a vague anxiety about "something bad happening."

Anxiety affects your whole being. It is physiological, behavioral, and psychological reaction all at once. On a physiological level, anxiety may include bodily reactions such as rapid heartbeat, muscle tension, queasiness, dry mouth, or sweating. On a behavioral level, it can sabotage your ability to act, express yourself, or deal with everyday situations.

Psychologically, anxiety is a subjective state of apprehension and uneasiness. In its most extreme form, it can cause you to feel detached from yourself and even fearful of dying or going crazy.

Hope in Christ &
god bless you

-oms

Top Ten List

O My Soul:

Top Ten helpful hints for your journey to healing and cure from major/clinical depression:

Mornings:

10. Read aloud from the Psalms and/or the Gospel of St. John.

9. Take your doctor prescribed anti-depressant medication.

8. Run three miles.

Daily:

7. Give 10 minutes per day focused attention on each of your three children.

6. Do the homework assigned by your therapist.

Evenings:

5. Stretch lightly for up to 20 minutes.

4. Debrief with your wife and then together with God about any pain you have experienced going about your God given vocations as His child, husband, father, pastor, son, citizen, etc.

3. Give thanks to God for the family, friends, and congregation He has given to you.

Weekly:

2. Take two days off per week from anything at the church (Monday and Friday).

And Finally:

1. Chill out! It will be ok. Your heavenly Father gave you this cross and He is near to you while taking care of you in the midst of these dark days.

-oms