What if I don't want help?

This Friday I have a first appointment with a psychologist.

As the day gets closer...I don't want to go.

I haven't had a good experience with a counselor of any kind yet.  Well, one good experience, but that opportunity has closed.

If you read this blog and have any encouragement for me I'd appreciate hearing from you.  While your thinking about that, here are my reasons for NOT going to my Friday appointment:

1.  Psychologists listen...but so do my friends and they lack helpful advice just like the psychologist.

2. Emergency Medical Leave...is were my psychiatrist went and hasn't seen patients since.  I think some of the professionals have more problems than the patients.

3.  5 Cents per Session...is not longer the going rate.  If your not depressed before the appointment you will be by the time the bill is paid (including all the difficult phone calls with insurance companies, etc).

4. A New Relationship...it takes time to establish trust.  And that just means hard work without a promise that the relationship will bear fruit.  I'm tired of broken relationships and broken trust.

So, if you have any advice or encouragement, I would appreciate it.  Comment lines are open.

God bless you,

-oms

Bibliotherapy Update #1

Dear OMS:

A few weeks ago I mentioned I was restarting an effort at Bibliotherapy.  It's not easy completing homework I gave myself but I have learned a few things about my depression.  Here are a few:

1.  Five by Five Sensory Exercise.

When depression hits, I think obsessively to the exclusion of my other senses.  I have very little awareness of my surroundings.  The 5x5 Sensory Excercise has helped me exit or prevent depression events.  The five senses are Touch, Taste, Smell, Sight, and Sound.  The challenge is to experience each sense five times per day.  I has helped me slow down an overactive, gloomy state of mind and become a little more aware of my surroundings.

2.  Daily Gratitude.

I memorized Luther's Small Catechism a long time a go and teach it every year.  However, it is a little psychology book that encouraged me to again give thanks for all the good things I have been given.  The Catechism's explanation to the Third Commandment is to ...pray, praise, and GIVE THANKS.  This is so foreign to me when I'm depressed.

3.  Reduce Stress.

Stress is toxic.  It's hard to reduce stress when I'm an adrenaline junkie.  I like to work long hours at hard projects.  I like to dream and accomplish big dreams.  I like sports and pushing myself hard.  ...but that is slowly changing.  

a.  Last year, I accepted a call to a new city.  I heard it's four times harder to recovery from depression by staying in the same work environment that by changing to a new one.  For the first time in my life I did what could be called the easy route.  Except for missing one friend and his family I'm content with the move.

b. I take off two days per week which is nearly anathama for a parish pastor to even desire let alone do.  Saturday is listed on the church calendar as my family day and Friday remains unscheduled.  

c.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, we found a good home for our beagle.

4.  Medication

I'm down to 20oz. per day of a Medium Roast Coffee which is about three cups per day.  My doctor increased my thyroid medication.  Two years ago I was taking nothing now I'm at a rather high dosage.  I take cholesterol medication and for the first time in my life my cholesterol is in the middle of all the acceptable ranges.  I continue to take an SSRI.

5.  Prayer

Started reading a wonderful little book by an old Norwegian pietist by the name Ole Hallesby.  I read it about 15 years ago and didn't think much of it.  My opinion has changed.  The main thing I pulled out of it so far is that Helplessness (which is a form of depression) + Faith = Prayer.  More later when I'm finished.

This Friday I will meet with a real psychologist.  It's hard to start a new relationship, especially of this kind, but I hope it works out.  And then the first Friday in October I meet again with my Father Confessor.

God bless you,

-oms

A Beagle's New Home...

...is no longer our home.

Don't get me wrong, Blossom is a great dog!  She is good with our three children.  She never bites, she tells us when she needs to go outside, she sleeps in her kennel, she prefers her kennel at night, she doesn't eat that much, she doesn't shed much, and she is playful in a friendly way.  All good stuff.  Yes, Blossom is a good dog.



Blossom is also a responsibility that my wife and I decided is too stressful. She barks at the neighbors, a lot.  She runs away when the youngest child leaves the door open, again and again and again.   She pulls on walks.  She needs walks at least twice a day or her energy level gets to high.  She sleeps on furniture during the day.  She wakes up several times per night.  She raids garbage cans in the kitchen and bathroom.  She makes a lot of pooh and has the gaul (in front of my wife nonetheless) to eat her own pooh.

The children love Blossom, I like Blossom, Mrs. OMS would be indifferent if only someone would walk Blossom and clean up the pooh on a regular basis, but I have too many other things on my mind.  I said I would be willing to do it but I won't during the winter.  That sealed the pups fate.  Like it or not, as soon as a loving family could be found, Blossom was going to move out.

Blossom moved out this morning.

Mrs. OMS shed tears for her family (but is personally overjoyed that we did it).

My five year old son is barely aware what is happening.  However, he is expressing some anger at me and said he likes mom better.

My seven year old daughter said she loves mom and me equally.  However, she doesn't like either one of us very much right now.

My ten year old sobbed.  He has dealt with a number of losses in the last few years.  He said good-bye to two dear friends last year when we moved.  And now he has to say good-bye to Blossom.

Mrs. OMS and I have had many good talks about this.  We anticipated the emotions but have been talking to the kids the last two weeks about what would be happening today.  I am surprised how well the whole family is handling this.  We are actually talking and grieving together.  We are thinking and feeling together and this is wonderfully positive.  I think we will get through this without building resentment.

How am I doing?  Well, I feel sad.  Two years of dog care and the little beast did grow on me.  I enjoyed her sleeping at my feet while reading a book.  I enjoyed playing with her from time to time.  I enjoyed all those tender moments she provided to our family but not enough to keep shoveling all that pooh and walking the two a day walks with her in the city.

I am content.  I won't miss the unneeded stress and anxiety.

Mrs. OMS is surprised how helpful I have been to her and the children through this whole thing.  She is especially thankful for the help I gave her today.  We're not through this one yet but we are well on our way.  I was thankful for the kind words and the peck on my cheek.

Our fourth child will be born in November.  I'll miss Blossom from time to time for years to come, but all of us are slowly anticipating the arrival of a baby boy.  Will that be stressful? Yes.  Am I a little anxious? Yes.  But, what a blessing!

-oms

Quote from the Desert Fathers

This quote may be pertinent for those of us with dependent personality disorders:

Blessed Archbishop Theophilus, accompanied by a magistrate, came one day to Abba (Father) Arsenius. He questioned the old man, to hear a word from him. After a short silence the old man answered him, 'Will you put into practice what I say to you?' They promised him this. 'If you hear Arsenius is anywhere, do not go there.'

God bless you

oms

Alleviating Depression

Looking for things to appreciate and compliment takes a big slice out of my depression.

Here are a few more things to keep in mind that I read about recently:

1. Eat Healthy

2. Stick to priorities

3. Look for the novel (appreciation)

4. Persist

5. Resolve Conflicts

6. Exercise

7. Maintain Relations

8. Learn Relaxation Techniques

9. Dispute Negative Thinking

10. Use Downtime Constructively

11. Plan Special Activities

12. Get Fresh Air and Sun

Famous People with Depression

Do you know anyone beside yourself that suffers from depression?

Listed below are a few that may surprise you:


















A

Caroline Aherne, British Comedian[1]
Buzz Aldrin, American astronaut, the second man to set foot on the moon[2]
Woody Allen, American film director[3][4]
Claus von Amsberg, German diplomat and husband of Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands[5]
Hans Christian Andersen, Danish writer[6]
Hideaki Anno, Japanese animator and film director[7]
Adam Ant (born, Stuart Leslie Goddard), British lead singer of 1980s New Wave/post-punk group Adam and the Ants[8]
Malcolm Arnold, British composer[9]
Richard Ashcroft, English singer-songwriter[10]
Machado de Assis, Brazilian writer[11]

B

David Banner, American hip hop artist[12]
Parveen Babi, Bollywood actress.[13]
Maria Bamford, Comedienne and voice-over actress[14]
Charles Baudelaire, French poet[15]
Ingmar Bergman, Swedish film director[16]
William Blake, British poet and painter[17]
Kjell Magne Bondevik, Norwegian politician and former Prime Minister of Norway[18]
David Bohm, British quantum physicist[19]
Terry Bradshaw, American football player[20]
Art Buchwald, American humorist[21]
Joe Budden, American hip hop artist[22]
Robert Burton British academic (author of The Anatomy of Melancholy)[23]

C

Anthony Callea, Australian pop singer[24]
Drew Carey, American comedian and actor[25]
Jim Carrey, Canadian actor and comedian[26]
Dick Cavett, American talk show host[27]
Melanie Chisholm, English pop singer-songwriter[28]
Raymond Chandler, writer of detective fiction[29]
Iris Chang, Chinese American writer and historian[30]
David Chase, American television writer, television director and television producer (The Rockford Files, Northern Exposure, The Sopranos)[31]
Lawton Chiles, American politician[18]
Agatha Christie, English crime writer[32]
Winston Churchill, British Prime Minister [33]
Kurt Cobain, American singer-songwriter and guitarist[34]
Catherine Cookson, English author[35]
Leonard Cohen, Canadian songwriter[36]
Joseph Conrad, Polish writer[37]
Calvin Coolidge, 30th President of the United States.[38]
Billy Corgan, American musician (The Smashing Pumpkins)[39]
Rivers Cuomo, American musician (Weezer)[40]
Ian Curtis, British musician, leader of Joy Division[41]

D

Roméo Dallaire, Canadian general, senator and humanitarian[42]
Rodney Dangerfield, American comedian and actor[43]
Edgar Degas, French painter[44]
John Denver, American musician[45]
Charles Dickens, British writer[17]
Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Russian writer [46]
Nick Drake, British musician[47]
Doug Duncan, American politician, candidate for the Democratic nomination for Governor of Maryland in the 2006 elections[18]
Patty Duke, American actress[48]
Kirsten Dunst, American actress[49]

E

Thomas Eagleton, American senator[50]
T. S. Eliot, American poet[51]
James Ellroy, American crime writer[52]
Robert Enke, German footballer [53]
Marcus Epstein, American paleoconservative political activist and commentator[54]

F

William Faulkner, American author[55]
Paul Feyerabend, Austrian philosopher of science[56]
Harrison Ford, American actor[57]
Michel Foucault, French philosopher[58]
Nelly Furtado, Canadian musician[59]
John Frusciante, American musician[60]
Stephen Fry, British author and actor

G

Geoff Gallop, Australian politician[61]
Romain Gary, French-Lithuanian-Polish novelist and diplomat[62]
Paul Gauguin, French painter[63]
Carlo Gesualdo, Italian composer, after murdering his wife, her lover, and his own son[64]
Paul Getty, British philanthropist[65]
Vincent van Gogh, Dutch painter[17]
Francisco de Goya, Spanish painter[66]
Spalding Gray, American actor and writer[67]
Graham Greene, British writer[68]
Zack Greinke, American MLB pitcher
Eddie Griffin, American NBA Player[69]

H

Tony Hancock, English actor and comedian[70]
Andrew Hansen, Australian comedian (part of The Chaser team)[71]
Elizabeth Hartman, American actress[72]
Anne Hathaway, American actress[73]
Friedrich August Hayek, Austrian economist[74]
Ernest Hemingway, American writer[17]
Margaux Hemingway, American actress; granddaughter of Ernest Hemingway[75]
John Hinckley, Jr., American would-be assassin of Ronald Reagan[76]
Sir Julian Huxley, British biologist, author and administrator[77]
Geoffrey Hill, English poet[78]
Herbert Hart, British philosopher[79]
Michael Hutchence, Australian singer–songwriter[80]

I

Natalie Imbruglia, Australian singer-songwriter, actress and model.[81]
Jack Irons, American musician, drummer for the bands Eleven, Pearl Jam, and Red Hot Chili Peppers[82]

J

Janet Jackson, American singer[83]
Henry James, British writer[84]
William James, American philosopher and psychologist[85]
Billy Joel, American musician[86]
Daniel Johns, Australian musician[87]
Samuel Johnson, British lexicographer, biographer, essayist and poet[88]
Ashley Judd, American actress[89]
Jung Da Bin, Korean actress[90]

K

Sarah Kane, British playwright[91]
Susanna Kaysen, American writer[92]
John Keats, British poet [93]
David Kelly, English weapons inspector and biological warfare expert[94]
Kool Keith, American hip hop artist[95]
Søren Kierkegaard, Danish philosopher[96]
Ernst Ludwig Kirchner, German painter[97]
John Kirwan, New Zealand rugby player, former All Black, currently coach of Japan national rugby team.[98]
Beyoncé Knowles, American singer-songwriter[99]
Akira Kurosawa, Japanese film director[100]

L

Alan Ladd, American actor[101]
Hugh Laurie, British actor[102]
Denis Lawson, British actor[103]
Heath Ledger, Australian actor[104]
John Lennon, British musician
Neil Lennon, Northern Irish footballer[105]
Meriwether Lewis, American Explorer[106]
Abraham Lincoln, American lawyer and politician, 16th President of the United States[107]
Oscar Lopez, Chilean-Canadian folk guitarist[108]
Federico García Lorca, Spanish poet[109]
Martin Luther, German priest and theologian[110]

M

Paul Merton, English comedian[111]
Gustav Mahler, German composer[112]
Henri Matisse, French painter[113]
Vladimir Mayakovsky, Russian writer and poet[114]
Brian May, British guitarist[115]
Guy de Maupassant, French writer[116]
Ewan McGregor, Scottish actor[117]
Herman Melville, American writer[118]
Charlotte Mew, British poet[119]
Michelangelo, Italian painter and sculptor[120]
John Stuart Mill, British political philosopher[121]
Spike Milligan, Irish comedian and writer[122]
Joan Miró, Spanish painter[123]
Morrissey, British singer and former frontman of The Smiths[124]
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Austrian composer [93]

N

Isaac Newton, British physicist[125]
Friedrich Nietzsche, German philosopher[17]

O

Bill Oddie, British comedy performer and naturalist[126]
Eugene O'Neill, American playwright[127]
Robert Oppenheimer, American physicist ('father of the atomic bomb')[128]
Patton Oswalt, American comedian and actor[129]
Marie Osmond, American musician[130]
Ronnie O'Sullivan, English snooker player[131]

P

Gwyneth Paltrow, American actress[132]
Henri Paul, French chauffeur (driver during the car crash that killed Diana, Princess of Wales)[133]
Ryan Phillippe, American actor[134]
T. Boone Pickens, Jr., American oil tycoon[135]
János Pilinszky, Hungarian poet [136]
Sylvia Plath, American writer[17]
Edgar Allan Poe, American poet and writer[17] (speculated)
Bill Pulsipher, American baseball player [137]
Jackson Pollock, American painter[138]
Charley Pride, American country music singer.[139]

R

Sergei Rachmaninoff, Russian composer and pianist [140]
Charlotte Rampling, English actress[141]
Trent Reznor, American musician[citation needed]
Anne Rice, American writer[142]
Rainer Maria Rilke, Austrian poet[143]
John D. Rockefeller, American industrialist[144]
Mark Rothko, American painter[145]
Hans Rott, Austrian composer[146]
J. K. Rowling, British writer[147][148]

S

Jim Salinger, New Zealand climate change scientist[149]
Siegfried Sassoon, British poet and soldier[150]
Robert Schumann, German composer[151]
Jean Seberg, American actress[152]
Brian Sewell, English art critic[153]
Will Self, English novelist, reviewer and columnist[154]
Anne Sexton, American poet[155]
Brooke Shields, American actress[156]
Sarah Silverman, American comedian[157]
Elliott Smith, American musician[158]
Britney Spears, American pop singer[159]
Layne Staley, American musician.[160]
Vivian Stanshall, British humourist and musician (Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band)[161]
Rod Steiger, American actor[162]
William Styron, writer[163]

T

Amy Tan, Chinese American writer[164]
Catherine Tate, English comedienne and actress[165]
James Taylor, American singer-songwriter[166]
Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, Russian composer[167]
Leo Tolstoy, Russian writer[168]
Georg Trakl, Austrian poet[169]
Lars Von Trier, Danish film director[170]
Mark Twain, American writer[17]
Jeff Tweedy, American musician (Wilco)[171]

V

Ville Valo - Finnish singer (HIM)[172]
Ned Vizzini - American writer[173]
Kurt Vonnegut - American author[174]
Joey Votto - Canadian baseball player[175]

W

David Foster Wallace, American writer[176]
Mike Wallace, American journalist on 60 Minutes[177]
Evelyn Waugh, British novelist and journalist[178]
Denise Welch, English actress and television presenter[179]
Billy West, American voice artist[180]
Delonte West, American basketball player[181]
Dan White, American killer of Harvey Milk and George Moscone[182]
Walt Whitman, American poet[183]
Kevin Whitrick, British electrical engineer[184]
Robbie Williams, British pop singer[185]
Tennessee Williams, American playwright[186]
William Carlos Williams, American poet[187]
Brian Wilson, American musician (Beach Boys)[188]
Owen Wilson, American comedian and actor[189]
Gregory Wilton, Australian politician[190]
Hugo Wolf, Austrian composer[191]
Lewis Wolpert, British developmental biologist, author and broadcaster[192]
Virginia Woolf, Adeline Virginia Stephen, British novelist (1882–1941)[193]
Elizabeth Wurtzel, American writer[194]

Y

Thom Yorke, English musician, lead singer of Radiohead [195]

Z

-oms

Private Confession Absolution

O My Soul:

Thank you Lord for my pastor in this new place.

Your mercies are new every morning, but I especially thank You for the gifts You delivered to me this afternoon.

-oms

(& I still give thanks for the pastor You gave me before I moved here!)

Male Depression Unmasked

O My Soul:

I'm halfway through an incredible book entitled:

Unmasking Male Depression: Recognizing the Root Cause to Many Problem Behaviors Such as Anger, Resentment, Abusiveness, Silence, Addictions, and Sexual Compulsiveness

by Dr. Archibald Hart.

His main argument is that male and female depression, although equally painful, are expressed differently. Males act on their depression whereas females feel their depression. The majority of clinical counselors are trained to identify female depression with the general understanding that depression is expressed the same in both genders.

What, then, are the key behaviors of male depression:

1. Angry Outbursts

2. Easily Annoyed

3. Increased Sexual Activity

4. Workaholism

5. Emotional and Social Withdrawal

6. Coldness

7. Aloofness

8. Even For of Family Violence


These behaviors are closer to the mark of male (rather than female) depression.

God bless you

-oms

Bibliotherapy Restart

O My Soul:

I can actually read books again.

I so much enjoyed getting into some pleasurable books and filling my mind some fluff and some classical literature the last few months. It's been a long time since I could read for pleasure. Summer is passing but I will remember the summer of 2010 as the summer I could read even if the gift is once again taken from me.

I am certain my resiliency toolbox is unequipped to handle a setback, so I'm back to getting help. What am I working on?

First, I'm meeting my Father Confessor this Friday.
Second, I'm on a short waiting list for a Phd. Psychologist.
Third, I'm restarting the home bibliotherapy I never really began.
(Fourth, please don't ask how much I run or even walk.)

Bibliotherapy is simply working through a workbook. The one I'm using is The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression: A Step-By-Step Program by William J. Knaus, Ed.D

What do I hope to achieve (put in my toolbox):

1. Lists of ideas to curb depression.

2. Practice exercises to counter and debunk depressive thinking and strengthen coping skills.

3. Reinforcement of key ideas in different contexts.

4. Optional way to counteract depressive thinking (and the depressive feelings).

5. Guiding principles.

6. Metaphors, similes, analogies, fables, and parables to make important ideas memorable.

7. Encouragement.

8. New technologies and innovations for defeating depression.

Anyway this is what the book says it will help me accomplish. This approach isn't for everyone and I'm not at all dismissing God's Word. Some of the toughest parts in all this will be one on one with a trained psychologist, and even tougher will be one on one with my pastor. God bless them all.

-oms

Doxology Reunion

A Doxology Reunion is this weekend. Not sure what Doxology is? Take a look at this introductory video they produced this past spring. Enjoy.



-oms

Acedia and Me

O My Soul:

I've been sleeping great, walking a lot, and doing some reading. Ah, summer.

I do recommend Acedia and Me: A Marriage, Monks, and A Writer's Life by Kathleen Norris.

God bless you,

-oms

World Cup Depression - Fading Away

O My Soul:

Decreasing my medication for depression is an action I won't be taking again anytime soon. I felt like I was wasting away. I felt distorted; raw; nothing. I felt frustrated; easily angered; short-tempered.

I didn't want to do anything. I did catch some of the World Cup matches on the tube. Disinterestedly surprised the U.S. beat England. Didn't care we lost to Ghana. Didn't want to get up but somehow kept going a little.

But now I feel human again. Not happy, but human. The medication has pulled me out of the crazy place.

And what emotion am I feeling? I'm now more than a little disappointed we lost to Ghana. But we have another chance at another World Cup. (Decreasing my meds is another story). I'm also feeling joy that I have such a loving family. They put up with much.


Hope in Christ &
God bless you.

-oms

Depression Quote

O My Soul:

"Trying out different medications makes you feel like a dartboard. "Depression these days is curable," people told me. "You take antidepressants like people take aspirin for a headache." This is not true. Depression these days is treatable; you take antidepressants like you take radiation for cancer. They sometimes do miraculous things, but none of it is easy and the results are inconsistent."

page 120-121 The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon

Hope in Christ &
God bless you.

-oms

Dosage and the Solar Equinox

O My Soul:

Longer days brings brighter feelings, so a few weeks ago I ask my doctor what he thought about reducing my dosage. I would give it a try if he thought it was a good idea and my wife was willing. They both said yes. I, too, was willing to give it a try. I'm tired of the side effects - random dizziness, light headed, feeling flat. So, we cut my Celexa dosage in half.

This is not working. The sun can shine all day but I feel that sinking feeling of irratability and lethargy. This is not working.

How can you know if things are turning toward a depressive episode? Check out this list and which symptoms I am currently experiencing:

1. Low mood. (Yes)

2. Increased irritability. (Yes)

3. Lack of motivation. (Yes)

4. Low self-esteem. (A little)

5. Sleep disturbance. (Yes)

6. Suicidaly thoughts. (No and thank God for that!)

7. Hallucinations or delusions. (Ditto)

8. Difficulty managing small tasks or making simple desicions. (Yes, it's getting harder.)

9. Reckless and risk taking. (No)

10. Staying home from work or school. (Yes)

11. Increased alcohol consumption. (No, but I am longing for a cold beer or 5)

12. Loss of interest in food, sex, or other pleasurable activities. (Currently, it's not a loss of interest as much as obsessive thoughts about these topics.)

13. Sensitivity to slight criticisms. (Yes)

So I'm sinking into depression but as long as I am rational I am motivated to implement the following plan:

1. Tell my wife.

2. Tell my doctor. (up my dosage - on the longest day of the year no doubt)

3. Tell my pastor and schedule a visit with him this week.

4. Line up a new psychologist and psychiatrist. I haven't done that since the move. I hate this part, but my network of helpful people is too small should I become a little non-functional. It is also way over the head of my wife to experience alone.

5. Start today.

The hardest part of all this is admitting that I won't get better without help from many other people, I feel the stigma of being on anti-depressants more than ever, and this is a lifelong effort.

So, Hope in Christ &
God be with you.

-oms

Caring for a Depressed Soul

O My Soul:

My wife is visiting her mom and sister this weekend. This is they first time they have met face to face since my sister-in-law told her mom about her struggle with depression. My mother-in-law is a considerate woman but this is not easy.

My wife asked me what she could do to help her mom this weekend. What advice might she give her mom to help her cope with her daughters depression?

Things to try:

1. Listen to her daughter's experience with depression.

2. Indicate you have noticed a change in her behavior.

3. Listen to her daughter without judgment.

4. Ask how her last appointment went.

5. Talk about depression and help find information she needs.

6. Encourage her to find a psychologist, a psychiatrist, and a pastor she trusts. (The trifecta of a good professional mental health network.)

7. Encourage her to exercise, eat well, and become involved in social activities.

8. Keep in touch and encourage close family and friends to do the same.

9. Pray for her.

10. Listen to her again, and

11. Pray for her again.



Hope this is helpful.
God bless you,

-oms

The Trigger: Overseas Missions

O My Soul:

William Carey is often called the Father of Modern Christian Missions. He was an idealist, a pragmatist, a thinker, an adventurer, a translator, and compassionate of others with the Word of God.

I'm not a Baptist but I do identify with a character like William Carey.

I love the idea of Christian missions, my wife agreed. I like to travel especially off the beaten tourist path. Translation is important. The Christian Bible is translated into many (not all) but most languages in the world. Those people know the accounts of the Bible but not the "What does this mean?"

So, I have a lot in common with William Carey.

I did not go into foreign missions completely naive. Even in hindsight, I was well prepared. I was aware that the greatest stress for missionaries was other missionaries and not so much the culture in which they make their new home. That and many other things about living cross-culturally was the stuff I was already aware.

I went through a battery of psychological tests. The results recommended that I would do well. I was resilient. Blah, blah, blah.

The romance of recruitment is also nice. Church officials taking my family out for dinner. Strategy meetings to plan how I might be incorporated into the goals of the mission in a country or region. Recruitment and raising support in congregations is what I call the "Rock Star" experience. Missionaries have it as a perk whenever they are back in the U.S.

I never ever thought that mission work would be a trigger to move me from childhood depressive episodes to long term clinical depression along with contemplating suicide.

The trigger for my mental illness, my clinical depression and anxiety, was my overseas mission experience.

Future posts will focus on how the events of those years as an overseas missionary triggered a God awful depression from which I am still recovering.

until then

Hope in Christ &
God bless you.

-oms

Mrs. OMS is Expecting Our 4th Child in November

O My Soul:

What a joyful surprise!

Mrs. OMS is doing well. Resting a little more, but also bargain shopping at local rummage sales. I'm always surprised at what she can find for so little. Nesting has begun.

The children are overjoyed. Asking questions. Trying to decide which of their toys they might give to the baby. The youngest doesn't let me go to work without specifically saying good-bye to the baby.

I, too, am overjoyed and thankful. I'm thankful to God that we have this opportunity to care for another person. Mrs. OMS and I have a strong and strengthening marriage (even in spite of my anxiety/depression which is not true for all marriages).

I also feel deeply content with this and all the other changes that have taken place or the last year. More later. Until then...

Keep us in your prayers, and

God bless you and yours
-oms

How to Become a Runner

O My Soul:

I'm looking back at my running logs from two and three years ago. I want to start running like I was two years ago. A spring and fall half-marathon. A few 5K's.

I know how I left running. The question is how did I ever start in the first place. Here are a few lessons I've learned.

1. Start moving more. Do anything to get off the couch or out of bed. Mow the lawn. Walk the dog. Take the steps instead of the elevator. Once I get moving I enjoy moving.

2. Buy a pedometer and walk 10,000 steps per day. Every step counts. The walk from my desk to the coffee pot. Anything and everything counts. Just get to 10,000 steps. It's just far enough that I have to plan a short walk. The hard part is not walking 10,000 steps. The hard part is walking it again tomorrow. However, after two weeks of 10,000 steps every day I begin to sleep better.

3. Buy a good pair of shoes. I love my ASIC gels but there are many, many kinds to choose. My only advice is that you buy a good pair of running shoes ($75+) and not a cheap tennis shoe. If you don't listen to me you will listen to the inevitable pain of shin splints.

4. Buy a heart rate monitor. I can not stress this one enough. Why do people quit running? People quit running because they run too fast for their physical fitness. I set the heart rate monitor to beep when my heart rate gets lower than 116 beats per minute and greater than 132 beats per minute. As my fitness increases, my speed increases, and all the time my heat rate is the same. So don't go crazy about how fast you are running.

5. Transfer some walking steps to a slow running pace. The pace of a fast walk is about the same for a slow run, but you will work harder at the run. What is the difference between walking and running? While walking you always have one foot on the ground, whereas, while running you will have both feet off the ground for a moment in each stride. So, run for 30 seconds for every 2 minutes on your walk and work up from there. Your patience will reward you in spades.

6. Rest. The most important part of running is not the run but the recovery. Add an extra hour for sleep and you ought to be ready to run again in 24 to 48 hours. Maybe a little longer. If it is much longer you are running to fast or...too long. Scale back a bit. Your body will respond much faster than you may think and it really is enjoyable if you remain in your fitness level.

7. Sign up for a 5K. A 5K is 3.1 miles and you can walk that far in one hour. Sure, there is going to be some kid who runs it in 15 minutes. But so many people are there to have fun, talk about their running, have a picnic with family and friends. It is a social event. Have fun.

These are a few things I've learned about walking, running, and socializing which are also great anit-depressants. And good for the soul.

Hope in Christ &
God be with you

-oms

Hymn: If Thou But Suffer God to Guide Thee, Neumark

O My Soul:

This is a beautiful Christ-focused hymn. I listen to it not often enough.

Lutheran Hymn "Wer nur den lie ben Gott lässt wal ten" played in Reed Organ.

Words: Georg Neumark, 1641 (Wer nur den lie ben Gott lässt walten); first published in his Fortgepflantzer musikal­isch-poetischer Lustwald (Jena, Germany: 1657). Cather ine Winkworth translated the words from German to English in 1855, and published them in the Chorale Book for England, 1863.

Music: Neumark, Georg Neumark, 1641

The Lutheran Hymnal #518
The Lutheran Service Book #750 (entitled: If Thou but Trust in God to Guide Thee)

Lyrics (Original translation):

If thou but suffer God to guide thee
And hope in Him through all thy ways,
He'll give thee strength, whate'er betide thee,
And bear thee through the evil days.
Who trust in God's unchanging love
Builds on the rock that naught can move.

What can these anxious cares avail thee
These never ceasing moans and sighs?
What can it help if thou bewail thee
O'er each dark moment as it flies?
Our cross and trials do but press
The heavier for our bitterness.

Be patient and await His leisure
In cheerful hope, with heart content
To take whatever thy Father's pleasure
And His discerning love hath sent,
Nor doubt our inmost want are known
To Him who chose us for His own.

God knows full well when time of gladness
Shall be the needful thing for thee.
When He has tried thy soul with sadness
And from all guile has found thee free,
He comes to thee all unaware
And makes thee own His loving care.

Nor think amid the fiery trial
That God hath cast thee off unheard,
That he whose hopes meet no denial
Must surely be of God preferred.
Time passes and much change doth bring
And set a bound to everything.

All are alike before the Highest:
'Tis easy for our God, We know,
To raise thee up, though low thou liest,
To make the rich man poor and low.
True wonders still by Him are wrought
Who setteth up and brings to naught.

Sing, pray, and keep His ways unswerving,
Perform thy duties faithfully,
And trust His Word: though undeserving,
Thou yet shalt find it true for thee.
God never yet forsook in need
The soul that trusted Him indeed.


Hope in Christ &
God bless you,

-oms

A Few Years of Red Hot Calm

O My Soul:

I've mentioned a few of my lessons learned from childhood depression and now I'm moving on to early adulthood. (continuing to remain an anonymous blogger)

After college, I was doing really well. I was given a great job with a wonderful company. I held out the prospect of going to the seminary even though I delayed with full time work and part-time study on another graduate degree. I married an incredibly bright and beautiful lady who is a daily blessing to me.

I remember a few times when I was stricken by strange fears. One was on the day I went to see True Lies in the theater with a friend. Great movie...bad day. I was in bed most of that day, overwhelmed with a strange but profound despair that led to exhaustion. I remember thinking that there is no reason for this but good Lord I can't move!! I did go to the movie. Enjoyed it but was in bed most of the next day. Too much emotion, energy, everything.

I had other days or so like that but nothing that lasted longer than a day or two.

I also had an internal edge (anxiety) most of the time. I didn't talk about it much. It came out at times (mostly yelling at my poor wife). As uncomfortable as that was for me it seemed fairly normal. I never did know how to control my emotions and frankly was convinced it would be too hard to try. So I would either wear them on my shirt sleeve or be poker-faced. I didn't think of myself as an emotional person. Boy, was I wrong.

It is only in hindsight that I now realize I am more emotional that rational. Not that I can't think or do think (except in a depressive attack). It's just that I now realize that I experience emotions of all kinds at very strong levels.

That strong emotion could be described as a red hot calm.

I was told by a psychologist that I don't present myself as depressed. When people read me they don't see the intensity of emotion that I am experiencing. I said, maybe you should ask my wife and kids about that one.

But 10-15 years ago, I was not even much aware of the intensity of emotion I was experiencing. I was calm but it was a red-hot calm. Overall, I could control it.

However, a series of events were about to come that would bring me to my knees not just for a few hours or days but rather years. A time was about to come when anxiety and depression would not be something I experienced as a bad day but as something to which I would become enslaved.

But those posts are for another day.

Until then-

Hope in Christ &
God bless you.

-oms