Decreasing my medication for depression is an action I won't be taking again anytime soon. I felt like I was wasting away. I felt distorted; raw; nothing. I felt frustrated; easily angered; short-tempered.
I didn't want to do anything. I did catch some of the World Cup matches on the tube. Disinterestedly surprised the U.S. beat England. Didn't care we lost to Ghana. Didn't want to get up but somehow kept going a little.
But now I feel human again. Not happy, but human. The medication has pulled me out of the crazy place.
And what emotion am I feeling? I'm now more than a little disappointed we lost to Ghana. But we have another chance at another World Cup. (Decreasing my meds is another story). I'm also feeling joy that I have such a loving family. They put up with much.
"Trying out different medications makes you feel like a dartboard. "Depression these days is curable," people told me. "You take antidepressants like people take aspirin for a headache." This is not true. Depression these days is treatable; you take antidepressants like you take radiation for cancer. They sometimes do miraculous things, but none of it is easy and the results are inconsistent."
Longer days brings brighter feelings, so a few weeks ago I ask my doctor what he thought about reducing my dosage. I would give it a try if he thought it was a good idea and my wife was willing. They both said yes. I, too, was willing to give it a try. I'm tired of the side effects - random dizziness, light headed, feeling flat. So, we cut my Celexa dosage in half.
This is not working. The sun can shine all day but I feel that sinking feeling of irratability and lethargy. This is not working.
How can you know if things are turning toward a depressive episode? Check out this list and which symptoms I am currently experiencing:
1. Low mood. (Yes)
2. Increased irritability. (Yes)
3. Lack of motivation. (Yes)
4. Low self-esteem. (A little)
5. Sleep disturbance. (Yes)
6. Suicidaly thoughts. (No and thank God for that!)
7. Hallucinations or delusions. (Ditto)
8. Difficulty managing small tasks or making simple desicions. (Yes, it's getting harder.)
9. Reckless and risk taking. (No)
10. Staying home from work or school. (Yes)
11. Increased alcohol consumption. (No, but I am longing for a cold beer or 5)
12. Loss of interest in food, sex, or other pleasurable activities. (Currently, it's not a loss of interest as much as obsessive thoughts about these topics.)
13. Sensitivity to slight criticisms. (Yes)
So I'm sinking into depression but as long as I am rational I am motivated to implement the following plan:
1. Tell my wife.
2. Tell my doctor. (up my dosage - on the longest day of the year no doubt)
3. Tell my pastor and schedule a visit with him this week.
4. Line up a new psychologist and psychiatrist. I haven't done that since the move. I hate this part, but my network of helpful people is too small should I become a little non-functional. It is also way over the head of my wife to experience alone.
5. Start today.
The hardest part of all this is admitting that I won't get better without help from many other people, I feel the stigma of being on anti-depressants more than ever, and this is a lifelong effort.
My wife is visiting her mom and sister this weekend. This is they first time they have met face to face since my sister-in-law told her mom about her struggle with depression. My mother-in-law is a considerate woman but this is not easy.
My wife asked me what she could do to help her mom this weekend. What advice might she give her mom to help her cope with her daughters depression?
Things to try:
1. Listen to her daughter's experience with depression.
2. Indicate you have noticed a change in her behavior.
3. Listen to her daughter without judgment.
4. Ask how her last appointment went.
5. Talk about depression and help find information she needs.
6. Encourage her to find a psychologist, a psychiatrist, and a pastor she trusts. (The trifecta of a good professional mental health network.)
7. Encourage her to exercise, eat well, and become involved in social activities.
8. Keep in touch and encourage close family and friends to do the same.
William Carey is often called the Father of Modern Christian Missions. He was an idealist, a pragmatist, a thinker, an adventurer, a translator, and compassionate of others with the Word of God.
I'm not a Baptist but I do identify with a character like William Carey.
I love the idea of Christian missions, my wife agreed. I like to travel especially off the beaten tourist path. Translation is important. The Christian Bible is translated into many (not all) but most languages in the world. Those people know the accounts of the Bible but not the "What does this mean?"
So, I have a lot in common with William Carey.
I did not go into foreign missions completely naive. Even in hindsight, I was well prepared. I was aware that the greatest stress for missionaries was other missionaries and not so much the culture in which they make their new home. That and many other things about living cross-culturally was the stuff I was already aware.
I went through a battery of psychological tests. The results recommended that I would do well. I was resilient. Blah, blah, blah.
The romance of recruitment is also nice. Church officials taking my family out for dinner. Strategy meetings to plan how I might be incorporated into the goals of the mission in a country or region. Recruitment and raising support in congregations is what I call the "Rock Star" experience. Missionaries have it as a perk whenever they are back in the U.S.
I never ever thought that mission work would be a trigger to move me from childhood depressive episodes to long term clinical depression along with contemplating suicide.
The trigger for my mental illness, my clinical depression and anxiety, was my overseas mission experience.
Future posts will focus on how the events of those years as an overseas missionary triggered a God awful depression from which I am still recovering.
Mrs. OMS is doing well. Resting a little more, but also bargain shopping at local rummage sales. I'm always surprised at what she can find for so little. Nesting has begun.
The children are overjoyed. Asking questions. Trying to decide which of their toys they might give to the baby. The youngest doesn't let me go to work without specifically saying good-bye to the baby.
I, too, am overjoyed and thankful. I'm thankful to God that we have this opportunity to care for another person. Mrs. OMS and I have a strong and strengthening marriage (even in spite of my anxiety/depression which is not true for all marriages).
I also feel deeply content with this and all the other changes that have taken place or the last year. More later. Until then...
I'm looking back at my running logs from two and three years ago. I want to start running like I was two years ago. A spring and fall half-marathon. A few 5K's.
I know how I left running. The question is how did I ever start in the first place. Here are a few lessons I've learned.
1. Start moving more. Do anything to get off the couch or out of bed. Mow the lawn. Walk the dog. Take the steps instead of the elevator. Once I get moving I enjoy moving.
2. Buy a pedometer and walk 10,000 steps per day. Every step counts. The walk from my desk to the coffee pot. Anything and everything counts. Just get to 10,000 steps. It's just far enough that I have to plan a short walk. The hard part is not walking 10,000 steps. The hard part is walking it again tomorrow. However, after two weeks of 10,000 steps every day I begin to sleep better.
3. Buy a good pair of shoes. I love my ASIC gels but there are many, many kinds to choose. My only advice is that you buy a good pair of running shoes ($75+) and not a cheap tennis shoe. If you don't listen to me you will listen to the inevitable pain of shin splints.
4. Buy a heart rate monitor. I can not stress this one enough. Why do people quit running? People quit running because they run too fast for their physical fitness. I set the heart rate monitor to beep when my heart rate gets lower than 116 beats per minute and greater than 132 beats per minute. As my fitness increases, my speed increases, and all the time my heat rate is the same. So don't go crazy about how fast you are running.
5. Transfer some walking steps to a slow running pace. The pace of a fast walk is about the same for a slow run, but you will work harder at the run. What is the difference between walking and running? While walking you always have one foot on the ground, whereas, while running you will have both feet off the ground for a moment in each stride. So, run for 30 seconds for every 2 minutes on your walk and work up from there. Your patience will reward you in spades.
6. Rest. The most important part of running is not the run but the recovery. Add an extra hour for sleep and you ought to be ready to run again in 24 to 48 hours. Maybe a little longer. If it is much longer you are running to fast or...too long. Scale back a bit. Your body will respond much faster than you may think and it really is enjoyable if you remain in your fitness level.
7. Sign up for a 5K. A 5K is 3.1 miles and you can walk that far in one hour. Sure, there is going to be some kid who runs it in 15 minutes. But so many people are there to have fun, talk about their running, have a picnic with family and friends. It is a social event. Have fun.
These are a few things I've learned about walking, running, and socializing which are also great anit-depressants. And good for the soul.
This is a beautiful Christ-focused hymn. I listen to it not often enough.
Lutheran Hymn "Wer nur den lie ben Gott lässt wal ten" played in Reed Organ.
Words: Georg Neumark, 1641 (Wer nur den lie ben Gott lässt walten); first published in his Fortgepflantzer musikalisch-poetischer Lustwald (Jena, Germany: 1657). Cather ine Winkworth translated the words from German to English in 1855, and published them in the Chorale Book for England, 1863.
Music: Neumark, Georg Neumark, 1641
The Lutheran Hymnal #518 The Lutheran Service Book #750 (entitled: If Thou but Trust in God to Guide Thee)
Lyrics (Original translation):
If thou but suffer God to guide thee And hope in Him through all thy ways, He'll give thee strength, whate'er betide thee, And bear thee through the evil days. Who trust in God's unchanging love Builds on the rock that naught can move.
What can these anxious cares avail thee These never ceasing moans and sighs? What can it help if thou bewail thee O'er each dark moment as it flies? Our cross and trials do but press The heavier for our bitterness.
Be patient and await His leisure In cheerful hope, with heart content To take whatever thy Father's pleasure And His discerning love hath sent, Nor doubt our inmost want are known To Him who chose us for His own.
God knows full well when time of gladness Shall be the needful thing for thee. When He has tried thy soul with sadness And from all guile has found thee free, He comes to thee all unaware And makes thee own His loving care.
Nor think amid the fiery trial That God hath cast thee off unheard, That he whose hopes meet no denial Must surely be of God preferred. Time passes and much change doth bring And set a bound to everything.
All are alike before the Highest: 'Tis easy for our God, We know, To raise thee up, though low thou liest, To make the rich man poor and low. True wonders still by Him are wrought Who setteth up and brings to naught.
Sing, pray, and keep His ways unswerving, Perform thy duties faithfully, And trust His Word: though undeserving, Thou yet shalt find it true for thee. God never yet forsook in need The soul that trusted Him indeed.
I've mentioned a few of my lessons learned from childhood depression and now I'm moving on to early adulthood. (continuing to remain an anonymous blogger)
After college, I was doing really well. I was given a great job with a wonderful company. I held out the prospect of going to the seminary even though I delayed with full time work and part-time study on another graduate degree. I married an incredibly bright and beautiful lady who is a daily blessing to me.
I remember a few times when I was stricken by strange fears. One was on the day I went to see True Lies in the theater with a friend. Great movie...bad day. I was in bed most of that day, overwhelmed with a strange but profound despair that led to exhaustion. I remember thinking that there is no reason for this but good Lord I can't move!! I did go to the movie. Enjoyed it but was in bed most of the next day. Too much emotion, energy, everything.
I had other days or so like that but nothing that lasted longer than a day or two.
I also had an internal edge (anxiety) most of the time. I didn't talk about it much. It came out at times (mostly yelling at my poor wife). As uncomfortable as that was for me it seemed fairly normal. I never did know how to control my emotions and frankly was convinced it would be too hard to try. So I would either wear them on my shirt sleeve or be poker-faced. I didn't think of myself as an emotional person. Boy, was I wrong.
It is only in hindsight that I now realize I am more emotional that rational. Not that I can't think or do think (except in a depressive attack). It's just that I now realize that I experience emotions of all kinds at very strong levels.
That strong emotion could be described as a red hot calm.
I was told by a psychologist that I don't present myself as depressed. When people read me they don't see the intensity of emotion that I am experiencing. I said, maybe you should ask my wife and kids about that one.
But 10-15 years ago, I was not even much aware of the intensity of emotion I was experiencing. I was calm but it was a red-hot calm. Overall, I could control it.
However, a series of events were about to come that would bring me to my knees not just for a few hours or days but rather years. A time was about to come when anxiety and depression would not be something I experienced as a bad day but as something to which I would become enslaved.
A History of the Cure of Souls by John T. McNeill is a book I highly recommend to any Christian interested in the care and cure of souls. It is a quick overview of how the church has always been about applying God's Word to hurting and hardened souls. First, surveying the Old Testament and then moving forward through the history of the church to finally examining different confessional traditions.
Here are a few quotes from Chapter VIII: On the Cure of Souls in Lutheranism-
"The Christian life is strenuous, but Luther will not have it be gloomy. We must recognize the devil's devices in melancholy thoughts, and counter them with innocent delights. Music is a God-given means of arousing gladness...Music is the best cordial to a person in sadness, he wrote; it soothes, quickens, and gladdens the heart. And again, 'Satan is a great enemy of music. It is a good antidote against temptation and evil thoughts...
"The Lutheran confessions of faith reflect Luther's main emphasis on confession and absolution...In the Augsburg Confession (1530) three articles are devoted to these topics (xi, xii, xxv). The signers profess that they continue to practice confession and absolution, ordinarily in preparation for communion, but without requiring the enumeration of sins: for in that case consciences would never find peace.
"The private cure of souls was actively pursued and frequently discussed by Luther's early followers. Hardeland explains in this connection the work of Jerome Weller (d. 1572) and Erasmus Sarcerius (d. 1559), the former stressing the comfort of the tempted and the latter seeking to strengthen church discipline.
"The most outstanding of such works came from the pen of the Strasbourg Reformer, Martin Bucer (d.1551). His On the True Care of Souls appeared in 1538 in German and Latin versions.
"Ezekiel 34:16 furnishes the scheme for Bucer's fivefold ministry in the cure of souls: to draw to Christ those who are alienated; to lead back those who have been drawn away; to secure amendment of life to those who fall into sin; to strengthen weak and sickly Christians; to preserve Christians who are strong, and urge them forward in all good.
(an extended section on how Bucer's writings were later used to support Pietism. Spener liked Bucer but disliked confession absolution. after leading the reader through the main lines of Lutheran thought from the Reformation, Orthodoxy, Pietism, Rationalism, to the mid-20th century, the author make three generalizations:)
"The Lutheran tradition reflects a free revision of medieval methods, particularly the retention of the confessional in altered form.
"Secondly, the earnest pastor has usually devoted much time to the visitation of parishioners, holding interviews in which he has sought the healing of souls and the quickening of religious devotion.
"Finally, stress on the mutual care of souls on the part of laymen.
In my opinion, the author appreciates Pietistic theology in Lutheranism more than I do. However, he gives a great outline of the great Lutheran thinkers and practitioners of the cure of souls throughout our history. He does the same with the Reformed, Anglican, Puritan, Baptist, Roman, and Armenian church bodies. This overview is helpful and a stepping stone to other authors on this topic.
How our fourth conflict is against the sin of anger, and how manyevils this passion produces. In our fourth combat the deadly poison of anger has to be utterly rooted out from the inmost comers of our soul. For as long as this remains in our hearts, and blinds with its hurtful darkness the eyeof the soul, we can neither acquire right judgment and discretion,nor gain the insight which springs from an honest gaze, or ripeness of counsel, nor can we be partakers of life, or retentive of righteousness, or even have the capacity for spiritual and truelight: "for," says one, mine eye is disturbed by reason of anger."1 Nor can we become partakers of wisdom, even though we are considered wise by universal consent, for "anger rests in the bosom of fools."2 Nor can we even attain immortal life, although we are accounted prudent in the opinion of everybody, for "anger destroys even the prudent."3 Nor shall we be able with clear judgment of heart to secure the controlling power of righteousness, even though we arereckoned perfect and holy in the estimation of all men, for "thewrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God."4 Nor can we by any possibility acquire that esteem and honour which is so frequently seen even in worldlings, even though we are thought noble and honourable through the privileges of birth, because "an angry man is dishonoured."5 Nor again can we secure any ripeness of counsel, even though we appear to be weighty, and endowed with the utmostknowledge; because "an angry man acts without counsel."6 Nor can webe free from dangerous disturbances, nor be without sin, even though no sort of disturbances be brought upon us by others; because "apassionate man engenders quarrels, but an angry man digs up sins."7
Chapter II.
Of those who say that anger is not injurious, if we are angry withthose who do wrong, since God Himself is said to be angry. We have heard some people trying to excuse this most pernicious disease of the soul, in such a way as to endeavour to extenuate it by a rather shocking way of interpreting Scripture: as they say that it is not injurious if we are angry with the brethren who do wrong, since, say they, God Himself is said to rage and to be angry with those who either will not know Him, or, knowing Him, spurn Him, ashere "And the anger of the Lord was kindled against His people;"8 orwhere the prophet prays and says, "O Lord, rebuke me not in thine anger, neither chasten me in thy displeasure;"9 not understanding that, while they want to open to men an excuse for a most pestilent sin, they are ascribing to the Divine Infinity and Fountain of allpurity a taint of human passion.
Chapter III.
Of those things which are spoken of God anthropomorphically. For if when these things are said of God they are to be understood literally in a material gross signification, then also He sleeps, asit is said, "Arise, wherefore sleepest thou, O Lord?"10 though it is elsewhere said of Him: "Behold he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep."11 And He stands and sits, since He says, "Heaven is my seat, and earth the footstool for my feet:"12 though He "measure out the heaven with his hand, and holdeth the earth in his fist."13 And He is "drunken with wine" as it is said, "The Lord awoke like a sleeper, a mighty man, drunken with wine;"14 He "who only hath immortality and dwelleth in the light which no man canapproach unto:"15 not to say anything of the "ignorance"and "forgetfulness," of which we often find mention in Holy Scripture: nor lastly of the outline of His limbs, which are spokenof as arranged and ordered like a man's; e.g., the hair, head,nostrils, eyes, face, hands, arms, fingers, belly, and feet: if weare willing to take all of which according to the bare literal sense,we must think of God as in fashion with the outline of limbs, and abodily form; which indeed is shocking even to speak of, and must befar from our thoughts.
Chapter IV.
In what sense we should understand the passions and human arts which are ascribed to the unchanging and incorporeal God.And so as without horrible profanity these things cannot beunderstood literally of Him who is declared by the authority of HolyScripture to be invisible, ineffable, incomprehensible, inestimable,simple, and uncompounded, so neither can the passion of anger andwrath be attributed to that unchangeable nature without fearfulblasphemy. For we ought to see that the limbs signify the divinepowers and boundless operations of God, which can only be representedto us by the familiar expression of limbs: by the mouth we should understand that His utterances are meant, which are of His mercycontinually poured into the secret senses of the soul, or which Hespoke among our fathers and the prophets: by the eyes we canunderstand the boundless character of His sight with which He seesand looks through all things, and so nothing is hidden from Him ofwhat is done or can be done by us, or even thought. By theexpression "hands," we understand His providence and work, by whichHe is the creator and author of all things; the arms are the emblemsof His might and government, with which He upholds, rules andcontrols all things. And not to speak of other things, what else doesthe hoary hair of His head signify but the eternity and perpetuity of Deity, through which He is without any beginning, and before alltimes, and excels all creatures? So then also when we read of the anger or fury of the Lord, we should take it not... according to an unworthy meaning of human passion,16 but in a sense worthy of God, who is free from all passion; so that by this weshould understand that He is the judge and avenger of all the unjustthings which are done in this world; and by reason of these terms andtheir meaning we should dread Him as the terrible rewarder of ourdeeds, and fear to do anything against His will. For human nature iswont to fear those whom it knows to be indignant, and is afraid ofoffending: as in the case of some most just judges, avenging wrath isusually feared by those who are tormented by some accusation of theirconscience; not indeed that this passion exists in the minds of thosewho are going to judge with perfect equity, but that, while they sofear, the disposition of the judge towards them is that which is theprecursor of a just and impartial execution of the law. And this,with whatever kindness and gentleness it may be conducted, is deemedby those who are justly to be punished to be the most savage wrathand vehement anger. It would be tedious and outside the scope of thepresent work were we to explain all the things which are spokenmetaphorically of God in Holy Scripture, with human figures. Let itbe enough for our present purpose, which is aimed against the sin ofwrath, to have said this that no one may through ignorance draw downupon himself a cause of this evil and of eternal death, out of thoseScriptures in which he should seek for saintliness and immortality asthe remedies to bring life and salvation."
I have mentioned a few things about my childhood here, here, and here which impacted this. So what of it. Can those soul shaping events be called good in any sense of the word good?
Here are a few things I have learned in hindsight:
1. There is nothing new under the sun. For as bad as domestic violence and abortion are, they are not an uncommon experiences. I know Christian parents who are violent, sometimes physically but more often verbally. I teach their children and I pain in there eyes. I've heard parents justify themselves in many and various ways. I've heard parents weep over children they aborted.
2. Mental illness is one kind of illness between being conceived in sin and death. Sin sickness is the root of both physical and mental illness. The kind of sickness we experience vary, but no one is spared. We all die.
3. Some sin is thrust upon us by others and some sin is my very own. I did hurt as a result of my parents physical and verbal sins. However, I eventually sinned against others.
4. Time does not heal sin but absolution does and that's OK. I am thankful to my pastors who have listened and opened my ears to again hear my Savior speak to me and deliver His gifts to me. The Office of the Keys is given to the church on earth to forgive the sins of the repentant and withhold forgiveness from the unrepentant. My pastors, over the years, have listened and absolved and that is O.K. (Office of the Keys)
5. The memory of sin is not forgotten. I live with the various crosses that God in His goodness has seen good to give me. I can always remember real sins that make me a lifetime member among sinners. I am also baptized and living the baptized life of being preached to, absolved, and communed as an antidote to my sin against the true God whom I've offended.
6. I am dependent on Christ. I may have a Dependent Personality Disorder, but it helps me rely on Christ, His gifts, and remain in His community to be cared for.
7. Mental and Physical illness is not Christian suffering. All people have that kind of suffering. Christian suffering is remaining in the faith. Faith is impossible but given as a gift. Christian suffering then is the struggle to respond to the sins of others in mercy (not punishing them the way they deserve) and grace (give them good gifts even though they don't deserve anything good, such as praying for them and serving them according to their needs). And even more importantly, receiving the grace and mercy of God the way He gives it even in the midst of my sins (Word and Sacrament).
In hindsight, I have tended to think of myself as a machine rather than a creature of God. I see it taking various forms at various times and seasons of my life but its always there.
I told my body to lift weights and play sports during my teenage years. My body responded well. I became stronger, faster, and a better athlete for the effort. I loved it and enjoyed the experience sports and the competition.
I told my mind to think during my college years. My mind responded well. I learned so much and loved that part of the college experience.
I told myself to work hard well into my adulthood and the paychecks have always been appreciated. As the work become more involved, I enjoyed the challenge.
Emotions have always been a different animal. If I felt like I was in control of a machine, then why did I so often feel so bad. Emotions just don't fit well with machines.
Mind you, I'm a Christian (a pastor to boot). I never actively viewed myself as a machine. This view was just the background to my whole way of life. I confessed the faith while practicing that faith from the point of view of material atheism.
For many reasons, I'm thankful that I am one of God's creation. He made me and knows me. He delights in me because I am His. I can cast all my anxieties upon Him because He is taking care of me.
One of the lingering effects of clinical depression is that I'm no longer the person I once was. I can no longer always push myself physically or emotionally and achieve what I hope. Big goals seem a little farther out of my grasp. I tire more easily also. I need to be cared for by others a little more.
This is hard but not overwhelming.
God has given me a doctor who just last week recommended I lower my SSRI dosage. I'm a little nervous about that but the summer is a lower stress time of the year for me.
God has given me (through my medical doctor) a short list of clinical psychologists specializing in the cognitive behavioral school of psychology. I only need to talk to them and see which one I relate to best (trust) and work on improving some of my coping skills.
God has also given me another Father-confessor. I miss my old one but I'm the one who moved away. He is still my friend. This new Father-confessor has many of the same traits as the old. I think it will go well.
For these gifts I am thankful. It also takes the burden off my wife who tries so hard to take care of me only to find I'm a moving target and dealing with things she doesn't understand. This way she can be my wife rather than doctor, counselor, and pastor.
I believe God made me and all creatures; that He has given me my body and soul, eyes, ears, and all my members, my reason and all my senses, and still takes care of them.
He also gives me clothing and shoes, food and drink, house and home, wife and children, land, animals, and all I have. He richly and daily provides me with all that I need to support this body and life.
He defends me against all danger and guards and protects me from all evil. All this He does only out of fatherly, divine goodness and mercy, without any merit or worthiness in me. For all this it is my duty to thank and praise, serve and obey Him.
This is most certainly true.
(Here is a the musical setting for Luther's hymn version of the Apostles' Creed: We all believe in one true God.)
Top Ten helpful hints for your journey to healing and cure from major/clinical depression:
Mornings:
10. Read aloud from the Psalms and/or the Gospel of St. John.
update: I'm leading public Matins at church Monday through Thursday & a psalm upon waking most mornings.
9. Take your doctor prescribed anti-depressant medication.
update: I don't often forget.
8. Run three miles.
update: good idea but hasn't happened much since early December.
Daily:
7. Give 10 minutes per day focused attention on each of your three children.
update: going well. When attention isn't given, in a few days they are fighting with each other much more than usual.
6. Do the homework assigned by your therapist.
update: so, so.
Evenings:
5. Stretch lightly for up to 20 minutes.
update: never happened. Not even once. And no plans to start.
4. Debrief with your wife and then together with God about any pain you have experienced going about your God given vocations as His child, husband, father, pastor, son, citizen, etc.
update: not yet, but it is still something that we may work toward.
3. Give thanks to God for the family, friends, and congregation He has given to you.
update: often. The more I give thanks to God and say thank you to others, the more I feel thankful for all that has been given to me.
Weekly:
2. Take two days off per week from anything at the church (Monday and Friday).
update: I am regularly taking off both Friday and Saturday. One day for rest and household chores. One day for family. This is a blessing. I am beginning to nip my workaholism in the bud. I'm rested and enjoy my work when I return to it.
And Finally:
1. Chill out! It will be ok. Your heavenly Father gave you this cross and He is near to you while taking care of you in the midst of these dark days.
update: doing well. I have my moments, but issues and events don't consume my thoughts. My anxiety is lower. My depression is not as severe. My outbursts of anger are reduced to short, snippy comments rather than breaking things in a rage and reducing the people around me to tears. So, yeah, I'm doing well. Thanks for asking;)
One of the most well known public advocates at this time is actress Glenn Close. You can see a Public Service Announcement she did with her sister in this video and also in a previous post here along with an interview.
But here is an article update from the Boston Herald you might be interested to read:
This post is on the lighter side as I continue to think about Dependent Personality Disorder and how it effects me and my family. I have noticed that as the depression and anxiety lessens something else emerges. I notice a need for others in a possibly unhealthy way.
This first video is a movie trailer from the movie, "What about Bob?" It sets up the second video which is a portrayal of a Dependent Personality Disorder acted out by funnyman Bill Murray. His explanation of symptoms, his relationship to his counselor and his counselor's family is humorus but enlightening. I sort fell that as I journey towards health - I'm making my poor wife a little crazy. I'm becoming the fun one with the kids. They love the new dad, mom is just mom. Just the other day I was playing with the kids when the youngest (pre-school) yells from the bathroom, "Hey MOM! I need a wipe in here."
If that is not enough, here is Bill Murray in the trailer for What About Bob? And then a case study of Bob as suffering from Dependent Personality Disorder. Enjoy.
Oh. And pray for the whole OMS family. We would appreciate it.
I attended the three part program offered by Doxology: The Lutheran Center for Spiritual Care. I commend to you this video along with my recommendation to pastors and their congregations to attend. I also provided a link to some of their work in the sidebar under Lutheran Resources.
I have never thought myself in need of weight loss. I don't really care for the hit show Biggest Loser as much as my family does. Just the title is a pun on depressive self talk. But my doctor recommended I get my cholesterol numbers in a healthier range or ten years down the road I'll be meeting with him a lot.
He gave that advice a few years ago. My new doctor said the same thing. Cholesterol medication helps. Running also helps but I haven't run since last fall. I have been walking and am now looking at running again. All these activities help lower my 300+ cholesterol which is good since I have a family history of heart disease to contend with.
However, nothing helps like a little weight loss. I noticed the impact it had on my cholesterol a few years ago. 10 pounds is about a 50 point cholesterol reduction. So I joined Weight Watchers in February.
Last Thursday, on week thirteen, I met the 10% milestone. I've lost 10% of my bodyweight. This week I'll also have blood draw and meet with my doctor next week.
If you looked at a before and after picture you would see no significant difference.
And yet my wife calls me her biggest loser. I'll let her get away with it.
Why? because it works. Weight Watchers is not a diet but information and encouragement to change behaviors. That's why it works. Week after week, slowly but surely the information and changes result in weight loss.
When I hit my 30 pound weight loss target, I hope to remain in Weight Watchers for one year to reinforce all the changes. And the changes have not been that hard.
I've mentioned two overshadowing events in my life here and here that have shaped my soul to this day. I am coming to learn that I may now be dealing with symptoms of Dependent Personality Disorder in adulthood.
Here are the diagnostic criteria for Dependent Personality Disorder used by psychologists:
A pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that leads to submissive and clinging behavior and fears of separation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
(1) has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others
(2) needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life
(3) has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval. Note: Do not include realistic fears of retribution.
(4) has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy)
(5) goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant
(6) feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself
(7) urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends
(8) is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself
Are you, like me, unfamiliar with what a personality disorder is? This video may be helpful to give a general description of a personality disorder and the different kinds that exist.
I'm still processing this so more later. Until then,
I am a Lutheran pastor recently diagnosed with clinical depression. This is an account of my soul's journey to healing.
What is a soul? You do not have a soul, rather you are a soul. You are a soul enfleshed with body, emotion, and mind. All of you is your soul.
Luther's Seal
The red heart with a black cross at the center should remind us that the righteous live by faith in the Crucified One. The heart rests in a white rose, to show that faith gives joy, comfort, and peace. The rose is white, not red, because white is the color of the heavenly spirits and angels. The white rose stands in a field of blue, the color of heaven, to show that joy in the spirit and in faith in this life is only the beginning of future heavenly joy. Surrounding the sky-blue field is a gold ring, to show that happiness and joy in heaven has no end, buts lasts forever, just as gold is the hightest, most noble and precious metal.
O My Soul:
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