Midweek Matins

O My Soul:

I have been called to a new congregation. The Lord takes care of His church always.

Anyway, this morning we had our first Midweek Matins and it is good.

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ADHD on Science Friday

O my soul:

New research came out last month on the science behind Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD).

What is ADHD?

Listen to an overview of ADHD and the Brain's Reward System from a September 11, 2009 of Science Friday.

It appears that not all brains have the same chemistry to reward you and bring a sense of pleasure.

What might this mean for parents of children with ADHD? What might this mean for you?

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St. Luke, Physician of the Soul

I am doing fine even though I haven't written anything for quite awhile. However, here is a post from the Esgetology blog on St. Luke - the Physician of the Soul.

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Abba Elias

Here are two sayings from the desert father Elias:

Abba Elias, the minister, said, 'What can sin do where there is penitence? And of what use is love where there is pride?'

and

Observe your thoughts, and beware of what you have in your heart and your spirit, knowing that the demons put ideas into you so as to corrupt your soul by making it think of that which is not right, in order to turn your spirit from the consideration of your sins and of God.

Nourishing the soul

O my soul:

I read this over at Quiddity website. Andrew Kern's website is on classical education for children but addresses the nurture of the soul in general. He writes:

A great soul is perceptive, silent, receptive, appropriate. None of these qualities can be developed without nourishing the child’s soul on the true, the good, and the beautiful.

One part of depression is that the soul is malnourished. The soul dwells on unimportant things. The soul dwells on itself and wonders why everything is ugly.

This is true for my soul anyway.

I am beginning to read again. Slowly. Surely. I haven't read much in the last few years but then I've also noticed that the books I was trying to read were those that were not all that beautiful. They were not all that nourishing rather they were lists of facts or stories without a voice. Literature has more to offer while I continue to heal.

Holy Scripture agrees.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. (Philippians 4:8)

Amen.

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Silence

O my soul:

Not much anxiety. Not much depression. Even though activity is swirling around me. I visited my pastor earlier this week and then a good friend.

It is a blessing to confess aloud sin rather than confess anxiety or depression about this sin. It is a greater blessing to be absolved of that sin. Thanks pastor.

And then a little laughter with a friend. I am aware how much I am beginning to feel again and a good laugh with a friend is priceless. Thanks friend.

But overall I've become quiet. I've been praying Matins quite regularly for awhile now. Mostly at home but starting last Tuesday three days a week at the church with the doors open to the public (and announced to the congregation).

I'm beginning to listen to Christ more and myself less. The medication helps but something more is happening. The more I listen, the more I'm able to feel, the more I'm able to pray, the more I'm able to go about my vocations as son, husband, father, pastor, and neighbor.

And let me tell you, the events taking place in my God given vocations are highly emotional. Just this week, my wife was deeply hurt by a congregational survey the elders wanted to conduct and I, in grave error, left it in a place she could read. The first elder's meeting went well but still tense. A teenager, who just buried his father earlier this summer, rolled his (dad's restored) car and is hospitalized with his three friends. I am part of a great group of pastors that make up a Circuit of pastors within our District of pastors. We like and get along with each other very well even while we are not well liked within our district (which became clearer at a meeting this past week.) What else? Shut-ins, hospice calls, cohabitation with newborn child, a male rape victim whose cutting himself, confirmation classes, Bible studies, etc. Not even in my dreams would I imagine some of this stuff.

But...I'm calm, content, in Christ. It is a miracle beyond the meds. I entrusted this week, morning by morning, to Christ and I have been able to serve Him in my vocations without being crushed. Not much anxiety. Not much depression.

Lord, continue to have mercy upon me, my wife, children, and congregation.

And thanks to our Savior, Jesus the Christ!

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9-11 and Reliving Trauma

O My Soul:

Here is an article from Psychology Today entitled 911: Never Forget, but is it helpful to always remember?

We Christians have this twisted notion that we must forgive and forget.

Well, yes, in Christ I can forgive someone who has hurt me. I can recognize the injury, the sin, for what it is. I can be healed. I can definitely be healed from the trauma.

However, I almost always remember the injury and I think most people do to. The act of forgetting is wishful thinking.

I feel sorry for those who have to relive images of a loved ones death year after year. Televised. Reported. Discussed. Again, and again. Year after year.

If I had a loved one who passed away in New York on September 11, 2001, I would turn off the media and read Holy Scripture aloud and receive healing from Christ.

I don't have such a loved one, but I think I will still read Holy Scripture and pray on their behalf.

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Abba Agathon

O My Soul:

I have never gone to sleep with a grievance against anyone. And, as far as I could, I have never let anyone go to sleep with a grievance against me.
- Abba Agathon, 4th to 5th Century, Egyptian monk

Abba Agathon said, “I consider no other labor as difficult as prayer. When we are ready to pray, our spiritual enemies interfere. They understand it is only by making it difficult for us to pray that they can harm us. Other things will meet with success if we keep at it, but laboring at prayer is a war that will continue until we die.”
- Abba Agathon, 4th to 5th Century, Egyptian monk

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Dreams Once Dreamed...It's Wonderful

O My Soul:

I've never been one to remember my dreams but lately I have been remembering more of my dreams. And they are good dreams.

I've been feeling a little different, too. I'm having good days and bad days but I am simply feeling much more than I can remember. Not painful feelings, mind you. No, feeling good feelings.

I remember seeing a Diana Krall concert in 2002. Good concert in the midst of a bad time for me personally.

I asked my wife how things have been going lately. She smiled and said that just about anything is better than the constant rage of last year.

Did I say she smiled. Well, ya know...I mean...like...to be totally honest...hey...ya know...dat...der...kinda like, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Like...can't blame me for feeling amorous, ya know - maybe?? Now I've said too much. Gotta go. And God bless.



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Receiving His Word

O My Soul:

It works (not great but) well enough.

The text to speech software is working.

On my lazy and grumpy mornings, I cut the daily lectionary reading from Bible Works and paste into Notepad. Microsoft Anna (still trying to find Sam or John) then reads to me and I listen.

After several hours of trying to figure this all out, it now takes than less than 5 minutes for me to set up the readings for morning devotions.

Then I hear. I meditate. I receive. (Regardless of how grumpy, lazy, anxious, or depressed I may be.)

And I'm starting to pray again...in the name of Jesus.

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Website correction

The website link to Doxology is corrected.

Morning Hymn

O My Soul:

A hymn for morning Matins (Lutheran Service Book 507)

Holy, Holy, Holy

Holy, holy, holy!
Though the darkness hide Thee,
Though the eye of sinful man Thy glory may not see,
Only Thou art holy; there is none beside Thee,
Perfect in power, in love, and purity. (Nicea)



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What's in my head?

O My Soul:

Vivid memories and powerful emotions go together.

I visited Cambodia's S-21 prison a few years ago. It was a grade school converted into one of Pol Pot's prisons in 1975. A former teacher became the chief of the prison.

I talked to many Cambodian church leaders. I heard their stories. Every family lost a family member during Pol Pot's reign from 1975 - 1979. They showed me some of their own physical scars.

In 1975 I was a third grader in rural America. In 1975, Cambodian third graders were having their pictures taken. They didn't live another two months. Many of the pictures are on the web but I'm not linking you to them.

That evening I went to my little hotel room. They had a t.v. channel of foreign music videos. Special treat for me, they said.

I saw this video for the first time the same day I saw S-21 and heard many stories. Not to confuse Cambodian (my memories) and Irish (topic of video) history but the visual of S-21 and the emotion/poetry of this video fused together for me.

And it's all in my head this morning. I'm going to pray Matins and spend some time with my Savior.

Collect for Grace:
O Lord, our heavenly Father, almighty and everlasting God, You have safely brought us to the beginning of this day. Defend us in the same with Your mighty power and grant that this day we fall into no sin, neither run into any kind of danger, but that all our doings, being ordered by Your governance, may be righteous in Your sight; through Jesus Christ, Your Son, our Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.






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A Lamb Goes Uncomplaining Forth

O My Soul:

Receive from the Lamb.

The Long Run

O My Soul:
You gave up daily short runs for three slow long runs per week. It feels great. It's relaxing. It fits my schedule much better, too.

I like to read about running. My favorite author is The Penguin. Here is his homepage at Runner's World Online. The Penguin: No Need For Speed

I also met with my doctor. My cholesterol counts are in range for the first time in years!

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Chronic Stress and the Brain

O My Soul:

Is it possible for chronic stress to take on a life of its own?

Yes, says this New York Times article on chronic stress and the brain.

I experienced several years of high stress. Some of that stress was my ravage idealism. Some of that stress was placed on me by several others. I said no to both only rarely, but when I needed rest I was able to get it.

Then something changed. My environment changed. The stress load was reduced. However, I couldn't calm down. I could not rest. Chronic stress became normal. My brain changed.

Now it takes hard work to relax. I schedule downtimes. I take medication. I'm learning how to live without chronic stress. I feel like I'm learning to walk for the first time.

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Clinical Depression Video

O My Soul:

This video has some good general information in it.

And I like the music.

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Anxiety Image

O My Soul:

I disagree with Sir Winston Churchill's imagery for depression. He called his depression his black dog.

I use the (snarling) black dog imagery to describe anxiety. Anxiety is no fun but easier to handle than depression.

I have a better handle on anxiety just like I am better able to handle attacking dogs. I learned to handle dogs delivering newspapers in Jr. High School. I kept the sack of newspapers on my left side and carried a tightly folded newspaper in my right hand. If a dog attacked I would swing the sack of newspapers between me and the dog then hit the dog on the nose with the folded newspaper. And, yes, sometimes I ran as fast as possible. Once I learned this system I rarely ever got bit. But each attack scared me nearly to death. Anxiety through the roof. I did it for the paycheck.

Depression is different. Depression looms large even in the absence of anxiety.

More on that later.

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Bibliotherapy

O My Soul:

Here is an old Wall Street Journal article on Bibliotherapy. I have been working through one book on Depression and another on Anxiety. It is helpful but very difficult to do on my own.

My current therapist is emotionally supportive and has brought me a long way in reducing outbursts of anger and some anxiety over the past nine months. The depression is another animal.

I accept that I may be more susceptible to depression than others. I also accept that my behavior influences family dynamics in the home. But, do I have to accept that this is my personality type and I can only hope to lessen its effects. Is cure not a possibility? Can't depressive thoughts and behaviors be changed? Well, then what are my depressive thoughts and behaviors and how do I change them!

I am looking for a new therapist.

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O Lord open my lips & my mouth shall declare Your praise. (He did & then I could) Amen. -oms

Not Cryin' Over Spilt Coffee

O My Soul:

It's not easy being around family 24/7 this vacation. Work is my common excuse to get away from the noise. I don't have that excuse during vacation. I love my wife and children but many times I can reach a point of irrationality that can make good times evaporate.

Take today as an example. After breakfast, I brought a cup of coffee into the hotel room and my six year old jumped on me. She is overjoyed I'm spending so much time with her. She wanted to tell me she missed me during my brief trip to get the coffee. She jumped from the bed to give me a flying hug. I spilled the coffee over both of us. Fortunately, I drink my coffee warm not hot (two ice cubes per cup) so neither one of us were injured. This may sound strange to the non-depressed but I am happy to report that I was more concerned about my daughter and never yelled. Things are improving.

For lunch, my wife made the special effort to buy me a Starbucks coffee to enjoy on our family picnic. This stuff was black as tar...perfect. While setting the picnic table she spilled half the coffee. I was able to laugh it off, help my apologetic wife clean and set the picnic table, and enjoy a half-cup of great coffee.

A few months ago the frustration would have been too much. Anxiety, anger, and depression leading to withdrawal would have resulted in an unpleasant vacation. This time I didn't cry over spilt coffee. Vacation is going well.

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Vacation Day #1 Lunch at the Burger Lust?!? with family and friends & then to the zoo. Great start and relaxing.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

O My Soul:

I came home from an early morning Bible Study to watch the homecoming of Euna Lee and Laura Ling. The journalists have spent the last 140 days in a North Korean prison and were sentenced to 12 years hard labor before being pardoned. For a good overview of the story click on this link to the CBS Early Show

A CBS commentator briefly mentions Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Here is a definition of PTSD from the Mayo Clinic.

I wonder how Euna and Laura will address the trauma of their imprisonment.

I lived in Asia for several years as a missionary. I visited several prisons, heard stories, saw things, and am still adjusting. PTSD is real.

If you have had a traumatic event PTSD treatment is available.

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To Tell or Not To Tell

O My Soul:

You are thinking about talking to the chairman and the elders to tell them about your depression and anxiety?

Overall, I think I would be ok but I don't think the congregation would handle it well. Such a stigma to mental illness. If I broke my leg or had cancer or had heart disease, allowances would be made. No stigma. Depression has a lot of negative stigma. I think other hard issues in the congregation would get sidetracked. At least my influence as pastor would be greatly diminished.

For now, I am not talking the council about my depression. I'll let the Lord continue to do His good work in the congregation through teaching and preaching and elder meetings on the two hot topics. And I will let the Lord continue His good work on me through my wife, doctor, therapist, pastor, and a few friends.

This may have to change. How will I handle the fall schedule? I'll let you know over the next few months.

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Private Confession Absolution

O My Soul:

It was a good weekend. Today, is my first day off in two weeks due to funerals and a few other crises.

This morning I have the privilege to visit my pastor for lunch and Private Confession. The first part of Confession is to confess my sins. The second part is to receive the absolution (forgiveness) from my pastor. And this forgiveness is as valid and certain in heaven as if our heavenly Father spoke it Himself (John 20). This is why He sent His Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ to die for me; for you too.

This is receiving Christian joy in the midst suffering under the cross. The cross I have been given to bear is clinical depression.

Thank you pastor.

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It is NOT a way out! At All!

O My Soul:

Six years ago, you said suicide made sense but it was not for you.

That scared the daylights out of me, but I'll leave that for another post.

However, today, on my day off, after two large funerals in one week...I have a gentleman who called me in deep sorrow and tears this morning. It's a long history but I'm spending my day putting together a plan with the local doctor and police officer to intervene if necessary. May he continue to talk. May he voluntarily get help. May he live through the weekend. And let it be known that he's scaring the daylights out of me.

O Lord, out of the depths I cry to you on behalf of this man and this congregation, do not count our iniquities against us but grant us forgiveness so that we may stand as our souls wait for the morning (Psalm 130) for Your mercies are new every morning (Lam 3) in the name of Jesus. Amen.

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Book Review

O My Soul:

Well, well! On your first read you arrogantly dismissed the Rev. Todd Pepperkorn's book entitled

I Trust When Dark My Road: A Lutheran View of Depression

I thought, "That doesn't sound so bad." But I am clinically depressed and haven't read a complete book in over year, let alone analyze the content of one. Nor do I yet fully grasp what has been happening to me.

So I began digesting this hundred page gem - sentence by sentence and half chapter by half chapter - to completion.

My wife exclaimed after she read Chapter Two: The Place of the Family, "So that is what is happening to us!" Dad's growing anger and both emotional and physical withdrawal from her and our three children.

Through the fog of my depression, a new view of the last twenty-five years began to emerge. Teenage depression in the 1980's triggered by divorcing parents. The severe recurrence of that depression while cutting my teeth as a pastor on the foreign mission field in the 2000's. (But, hey, the 1990's weren't so bad:) Anyway, the Reverend Pepperkorn's description of his descent into mental illness is helping me become aware of my own descent into that "ghastly landscape called clinical depression" as described in the introduction by Dr. Beverly Yahnke.

Chapter One addresses the Build Up to the Fall. Chapter Three reviews The Early Signs That Things Were Wrong. The fear of anti-depressant medication is discussed in Chapter Four: The Pill That Marked Me. The rest of the book describes one husband/dad/pastor's journey to a healing that most depressed people never experience due to nothing but a crushing fear that has the capacity to suck the life-breath out of you. In fact, suicide is the topic in Chapter Nine: Thinking the Unthinkable.

The take home message is that Jesus Christ, the Suffering Servant, does not forsake His people. He is near you. His death is for you. He provides doctors, psychologists, pastors, family and friends to deliver His care and cure to you.

Are you the spouse or friend of a mentally ill soul? Read Appendix 1: What to do if a loved one suffers depression.

Are you a pastor without a pastor? Read the Addendum by the Rev. Dr. Harold Senkbeil to help you find a pastor to speak God's grace into your situation.

I encourage you to read this book.

Thank you to the Reverend Todd Pepperkorn for writing this book.

Thank you to the Reverend Matthew Harrison for bringing this book to publication through LCMS World Relief and Human Care of the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod.


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They Speak Our Language

O My Soul:

New neighbors moved in across the street! You met them last night. He is a pastor for one of the rural churches. He and his wife have four children ages 14, 12, 10, and 8.

My children ages 10, 6, and 4 are very excited. My ten year old son is lonely. As I learn more about my illness I see many of the same signs in him (I'll leave that for another post). Maybe my son will click with the ten and twelve year olds across the street.

My daughter woke up early this morning. She wanted to visit them but knew it was too early to knock on their door. She said, "They need their rest from traveling from so far away."

Then she said the funniest thing. (Background: our family lived in Asia but have been back a few years). Anyway, my daughter said, "Well, they couldn't have traveled to0 far." I asked, "Why?" And she said, "Because they speak our language!"

Lord, you are our Good Shepherd. You have provided much for me over the past year as I began to be diagnosed with major depression. As the fog begins to lift I see pain in my family. Care for them. And thank you for them. In Christ, Amen.

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Compassion Fatigue

O My Soul:

Here is a definition of compassion fatigue.

It was first identified among nurses. Those nurses with excellent bedside manners left the profession more frequently than those who only focused on the medical needs of the patients.

Other professions at risk are journalists, clergy, law enforcement officers, military personnel and emergency medical responders.

The first step down the road to compassion fatigue is a compulsion to prove you are above average at what you do. However, the main concern, particularly for pastors, should simply be faithfulness.

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A Gospel Day

O My Soul:

It was a Gospel day. Rejoice and be glad.

Also, a child came home from the hospital. I'll say it again, rejoice.

However, another young man (28) died. Late last night. The truck rolled.

Lord, the joys and the hurts of being your undershepherd are great.

Exchange my pain for your life and grant me to be faithful to our heavenly Father within your congregation of saints.

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Top Ten List

O My Soul:

Top Ten helpful hints for your journey to healing and cure from major/clinical depression:

Mornings:

10. Read aloud from the Psalms and/or the Gospel of St. John.

9. Take your doctor prescribed anti-depressant medication.

8. Run three miles.

Daily:

7. Give 10 minutes per day focused attention on each of your three children.

6. Do the homework assigned by your therapist.

Evenings:

5. Stretch lightly for up to 20 minutes.

4. Debrief with your wife and then together with God about any pain you have experienced going about your God given vocations as His child, husband, father, pastor, son, citizen, etc.

3. Give thanks to God for the family, friends, and congregation He has given to you.

Weekly:

2. Take two days off per week from anything at the church (Monday and Friday).

And Finally:

1. Chill out! It will be ok. Your heavenly Father gave you this cross and He is near to you while taking care of you in the midst of these dark days.

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R.I.P. Mr. K.

O My Soul:

Mr. K.'s funeral service is this afternoon.

Please remember, you are not God but a creation of God. You are not The Good Shepherd but an undershepherd to deliver Jesus Christ crucified to a grieving family, congregation, and community.

Mr. K...Rest in the blood bought peace of Jesus Christ. I will miss you, too.

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Anti-Depressant Behavior

O My Soul:

You became a runner last year. Partly to help you sleep and partly to prove to yourself that you could do it. You chalked up two half-marathons and it had a lot of helpful benefits. Improved mood, less insomnia, and lower cholesterol. All from running (very slowly) three times per week.

I recently learned about the benefits of anti-depressant behavior, such as running or walking. It's not the particular exercise that is important but increasing your heart rate to 70% of maximum a half hour per day.

Problem is ... I don't like exercising every day. I'm beginning to think of it as a needed part of my soul care. Like an anti-depressant medication, anti-depressant behavior is part of that care.

Lord, help me to slow down and make this a daily (or more frequent) priority.

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A Death in the Congregation

O My Soul:

A young man (52) in the congregation died suddenly yesterday afternoon.

You are the pastor. Keep your eye on the Good Shepherd of our souls - Jesus Christ. Receive His gifts and pass them along to this grieving family.

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Summer is Good!

Ahh...summer! -oms

I'm back

O My Soul:

You've been gone for three days! Three days of deep depression.

One day sitting in front of a blank computer screen.

One day on the couch.

One day slowly waking up.

Glad you're back! We missed you.

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Thank You

O My Soul,

You were so anxious before the Board of Elder's meeting, but it went so well.

You prayed, prepared, and prayed again before the meeting.

Now, give thanks to Him. Our Father is gracious and merciful for the sake of Jesus Christ His Son, our Lord. He is taking care of you.

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Congregational Conflict

Today the cross of Christ's congregation is heavily resting upon me and our elders. The Lord's people need a shepherd. I would prefer not to be that person right now, but I have been called by God through this congregation to serve His people with His gifts.

I'm looking at 1 Corinthians chapter 1 verse 2 which states:

"To the church of God which is at Corinth, to those who are sanctified in Christ Jesus, called to be saints, with all who in every place call on the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, both theirs and ours: Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ." (NKJV)

The Apostle Paul addressed the people as saints! The congregation had many and various problems and sins BUT they are addressed as saints for the sake of Jesus Christ who shed His blood for them.

The people of the congregation at which I serve are also saints who call on the name of Jesus Christ.

May Christ and His gifts be the focus of tonights meeting for the benefit of all His saints congregated in this place.

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Not Thinking...again.

O My Soul:

You say you are unable to think? You look at a blank computer screen and two hours later it remains blank?

You use to enjoy talking and writing. Now it is a chore. That doesn't make sense but then again you are depressed.

You say you don't think you will get better but, o my soul, you are wrong.

We will find a way to healing. I will walk with you.

You are not alone. You must expect to heal. We will do this.

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Taking Care of You

O my soul, hear this:

1 Peter 5:6 Cast your care upon Him (Father); for He is taking care of you.

Most popular Bible translations make it sound like the Father cares about you but is far away from you. Sort of like a good friend who lives far away and can do nothing for you.

No the Father is near you and is taking care of you. He is the one who provides you with a Pastor, Doctor, Psychologist, Family, and Friends.

So, hear what they have to say because they are gifts from your heavenly Father who is taking care of you.

Rest in His care.

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O my soul, you went mobile!

Physician?

O my soul, your medical doctor is prescribing an anti-depressant. Yet you say you are afraid of addiction?

But are you afraid of addiction to your breakfast or a snack? Are you afraid of addiction to your daily vitamin? Your doctor is advising you to help you. It may be a missing nutrient your body needs. Your doctor (not you) is prescribing it to care for you.

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A Good Book

O my soul, check out this free booklet at http://darkmyroad.org

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Psychologist?

O my soul, you even have a licensed psychologist to help care for you in your downcast state. Good for you.

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Private Confession?

O my soul, I see you found a Father-Confessor to listen to you. The ear of an ordained confessional Lutheran pastor is the tomb for your sin. The mouth of the same is the mouth of the Gospel for you. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you always.

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Introduction

O my soul, you have been diagnosed with clinical depression.

Your wife knew it. Your children sensed it. Friends and colleagues would be surprised to hear this news and yet what is surprising is that you are surprised as well.

Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance. Psalm 42:5

We have much to talk about. Will you listen?

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