Sunday, March 21, 2010

Lent 5: Judica

O My Soul:

"Judge me, O Lord and defend my cause against an ungodly people...Why have you rejected me?" Psalm 43.

I have joined my prayers with this psalm often. Recently, however, not from despair but because the Lord has promised not to reject me.

I am baptized into the death of the Christ. That is not wishful thinking but an act of God for me. He promises to protect me and he does.

Before I was diagnosed with clinical depression, I thought I was weak but I would lash out at others for taking advantage of me in my weakness. After I was diagnosed, I had a name for my weakness called "clinical depression". That and medication has helped put things into perspective. I don't lash out as much. People were never taking advantage of me in my weakness; pain; darkness. Much the opposite, many have been trying to help me.

I am beginning to think that (for me) not having depression would be a bad thing.

I think I have an insatiable appetite for success in this world. Be it education, title, priviledge, or power. As much as I want those things I am coming to realize they are not my joy but my appetite.

God is good to me in Christ. He cares for my whole soul inspite of my sinful appetites and has granted me a weakness that is for my good; for salvation from those sinful appetites.

Why does my soul become cast down (depression)? Why is my soul in such turmoil (anxious) within me? ...because I am a sinner. I have an appetite for things not of God.

This doesn't me I have no faith in Christ. I am baptized and my refuge is in Him. My prayer is that He judge me according to His promise to me in Holy Baptism.

You know what happened this morning? I confessed my sin and was forgiven. I heard God tell me about Abraham and Issac (Genesis 22), His High Priest Jesus (Hebrews 9:11-15), and then Christ Himself encountering false accusations (John 8:42-59).

And to top it off, you know what happened after that? I went to the altar of God, my exceeding joy, and He fed me His holy Body and precious Blood.

Not bad for a snowy spring morning this Sunday, March 21st.

So I am beginning to think differently about my clinical depression and my anxiety. I am beginning to this they are a gift of God. A gift where in the middle of my suffering...I see Jesus...and the wonderful people with whom He surrounds me.

In Him I hope.

And may God bless you.


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