Two Years Later

O My Soul:

Two years ago, I felt like I had a wet towel constantly wrapped around my head while people were throwing punches at me. Street talk for a blanket party.

Life was dark. I could not see my way through a simple day. It was a sense of chronic disorientation. I was told by my therapist that I carried myself well that it didn't show. That was verified in a number of ways. Even my wife, for a long time, didn't realize the extent of the darkness. But, I was a lost soul.

Life was painful, too. Emotional pain that led to physical pain. Emotional pain that was beyond reason and seemingly beyond my control. Constantly on the defensive even as I publicly carried myself quite well.

The darkness (depression) and pain (anxiety/fear) eventually came out at home. My wife and children felt the darkness without a word from me. Words came out as accusations and anger. Many tears have been shed.

That was two years ago. Thanksgiving week 2008 I started to get help. It has been a good first start.

I asked my wife how things are going. She is pleased.

I am not as angry. I spend time with the children in ways that the children like to spend time with me. I take out the trash more often. I help with dishes every once in awhile. I've arranged babysitters to care for the children in order to take my wife out to eat more often. I take Friday and Saturday off every week. Saturday is scheduled on the church calendar as Pastor's Family Day. Friday is simply unscheduled. I pray Matins (most mornings) and night time prayers with my family (most evenings). I'm still able to meet shut-ins, make family visits, prepare to teach and preach. I rest more while adequately meeting my vocational responsibilities.

It has been a good first start, but it is still difficult.

Medication has slowed my emotional responses while at the same time I live with an unpleasant dizziness. I still feel a lot. I still feel the darkness and the pain. I just don't react the same way. I'm able to think in the midst of the emotions. The ability to think is a gift from God. I'm glad I have the ability somewhat restored to me. I pray that I use my mind to grow in faith toward God and in fervent love toward my neighbor (starting at home and then the congregation of Christ's holy people.) My family doctor is suggesting that we lower the medication dosage at our next meeting in May. I'm not comfortable with that at this time but then again it's only March.

Since moving in November, I have not been meeting with a psychologist and I have not had contact with my Father/Confessor.

I'm just starting the search for a new psychologist. Good ones are hard to find.

And to my Father/Confessor: I still have your book of Psalms with Luther commentary. It is great. Thank you for all your help and prayers. Talk to you soon.

-oms